Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
You didn't report it... Are you responsible if he does it again?
Posted 28 March 2010 - 01:10 PM
Posted 05 April 2010 - 02:43 PM
My RA insisted on taking me to the hospital.
I refused a rape exam, I knew from the beginning I would never prosecute it.
She also told me she was concerned about "this person being on campus with other people".
A few days later she asked me if I was just going to "let him get away with this".
I've heard a theory, no one ever regrets reporting a rape, I honestly think I would have.
There was no evidence, no bruises, no injuries, no witnesses. They could prove I had sex with my boyfriend and I was crying in the common room of my dorm afterwards, you can't convict someone on that.
I stayed in the relationship, I stayed quiet. Who knows what the fall out on small college campus would be if I had tried to leave him or if I had told.
This post has been edited by serena: 05 April 2010 - 02:44 PM
Posted 04 May 2010 - 09:04 AM
Posted 23 July 2010 - 12:59 AM
Posted 17 August 2010 - 07:39 PM
Posted 17 August 2010 - 08:11 PM
Posted 21 August 2010 - 01:09 PM
Annon, I am new here and am dealing with sexual assault inside the family for the second time in my life. First, it was my sister and I being molested by our stepfather; and now I am dealing with my own husband violating my oldest daughter. It is my understanding that if sexual assault is brought up to any doctor, officer, therapist, etc it MUST be brought to the authorities.
We are in a very tough situation, and are still struggling with how to handle it. We have been trying to sort it out within our immediate family, but I feel like my (ex) husband won't get the help he needs UNLESS he can speak with a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, that may be the nail in my family's coffin. The "system" really isn't concerned with rehabilitating offenders, only punishing them...
I hope that helps you :)/>
Posted 22 August 2010 - 11:06 AM
Confidentiality is pretty strict within a therapy/doctor role. They will keep everything in the strictest confidence unless one of these things happen:
a) You have serious intent to hurt yourself
b) You have expressed a serious intent to hurt others
c) A minor is currently being abused
Everything else is in the strictest confidence. Going to the police is entirely up to you and a good therapist will not try to force reporting onto you.
Posted 20 October 2010 - 09:59 AM
I don't think anyone who didn't report it is responsible if their perp does it again.
I DID report it. Considering the contempt with which the police treated me, ultimately taking his side... I've come to see reporting as generally pretty useless. A lot of my friends who have reported assaults have had similar or even worse experiences with the law, especially those of us who are queer, transgender, disabled, and/or people of color...
Police only seem to take rape reports seriously when there is a) physical, identifiable evidence that the perp is who you say he is, and b) physical evidence of non-consent, such as a date rape drug being present in your system (they leave pretty fast), or signs of a struggle. That means you have to pretty much report a rape FIRST THING after it happens, and how many of us can realistically be expected to do that?
On the other hand a lot of rapes don't result in the kinds of evidence they require. There may not be signs of a struggle. There may not be genetic evidence. That definitely doesn't mean a rape didn't occur.
I think the penal and judicial system is at fault if my perp does it again. I think the culture of disbelief and victim-shaming is to blame if he does it again.
Most of all, I think my PERP is to blame if he does it again.
Not me. And I wouldn't be even if I hadn't reported him, because reporting was ultimately useless.
Disclaimer: Anyone who did have good experiences with the police or successfully got their perp behind bars, more power to you. I do realize that reporting is not useless to everyone.
Posted 21 December 2010 - 01:08 PM
Whether someone chooses to report or not is their decision. Only they can know what's best for them to do. No-one else has a right to make any judgement either way.
Posted 15 January 2011 - 11:58 AM
I made a report when the stalking started. It was taken lightly, even though when I mentioned the abuser's name, they knew who he was immediately. The whole thing took me by surprise. They knew him, undoubtably by what he has done prior to me. It's a large city where he lives, so I was shocked, but somewhat validated when they knew who he was. Since then him and those who go along with him have been careful of the lines in the sand, they know how far they can go without getting caught. I've dealt with a lot of guilt, because of what the ex before me said about him and young/underage girls, how he basically exposed himself around them in front of her. The only thing that was said when I reported the stalking was "Oh, it's him again" so that pretty much validated a lot since he lives in a large city and they knew his name immediately. I, at one time wondered had I reported the assault if it would have changed anything. I didn't report the assault because he had already ripped my life apart with the assault, games, lies and I was really tired of trying to "prove" what I said. I have no doubt he has hurt others, but that is not within my control. After making the report, I came to the conclusion slowly, but surely that I needed to take care of myself. The PD where he lives knows what he does, and the responsibility for what he did after I tried to report it, lies with him and the PD.
Posted 02 April 2011 - 11:51 PM
Posted 03 April 2011 - 11:24 AM
I guess I called because I so desperately want to get the trust and safe feeling back. I didn't see it coming. He was kind and emotionally open and everything that my ex before him that also raped me wasn't. We had a heart to heart over coffee two days after the incident when he admitted how he forcefully pushed himself on me and asked why I didn't stop him. I said I was scared and I said no and I resisted and I just froze when he persisted. He expressed his past that involved multiple arrests for violence and substance abuse. I guess the light went off then. I thought he was on the road to healing because of his infinite references to his spirituality and God, his openness and his honesty.
I saw a counselor the day after the rape and just lost it in her office and she asked me about pressing charges. I said I didn't want to call the police because I did last time and I just couldn't relive it. I actually just left a treatment center for an eating disorder and have been sober for 6 months. The eating disorder and substance abuse were how I dealt with the last rape. For two years I just drank my face off to suppress the feelings and the hurt. Right out of treatment I thought I met my knight in shining armour. Then a week and a half ago he raped me after I had several conversations with him about how important it was for me to wait to be intimate. I feel so violated.
I gave my phone to my mom for awhile and have chosen to never contact him again, I'm going back to my therapist next week and I just need some support. So heartbroken....
I'm not sure where to post. I guess a mod can move this where it's appropriate. I just needed to get it out.
This post has been edited by Beautiful: 03 April 2011 - 11:31 AM
Posted 03 April 2011 - 02:24 PM