Day 143: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or S** (Trigger Warning)
I want to start today's posting with a thank you to MacGyver for sharing his amazing gift of insight. He analyzed a repeating nightmare I have. His interpretation has been immeasurably helpful to me. He gave me permission to share his identity. I'm so glad to get to do so, to give credit where it is due and express my thanks to the person who gave me such a wonderful gift.
My mind is meandering a lot today, but I'm going to let it go where it will.
Last week MacGyver analyzed my repeating nightmare about being chased by a vampire (while also being the vampire in turns). I originally wrote about it on Feb. 24th. I had a new version of the dream at 2 in the morning that day. Since receiving Mac's interpretation I have been thinking a lot about the vampire, and trying to understand him as a part of me.
I realized the dream represents the parts of me that are not connected. So, let me first introduce the cast of dis-integrated characters:
- The Ship: my body and soul (most of the time the dream takes place in a neighborhood, but I think a neighborhood means the same thing)
- The Little Girl: the person I was when I was first r* at age 6-8 (I am still not sure how old I was when this happened)
- The Vampire: my bottled up rage, fear, sadness, and grief (the vampire is always male)
- The Captain: a brand new member of the cast (the personality I show everyone, also my strength, my courage, my heroism - the rescuer self)
- Other Victims: there are always anonymous others who are also running from the vampire. They usually hide successfully while I do not. But, he's after me anyway, so it wouldn't matter if they didn't hide. But, they don't know that.
- The Mamma: she has not appeared in the dreams, but I am attempting to manifest her in order to integrate these characters into a whole. She is in my life through my Pandy's friends here and in my angel friend (DDF).
- The Baby: she also has not appeared in any dreams and just came to mind for the first time this morning, again as a result of something MacGyver said. He said this in response to my DDF letter yesterday:
This is the bonding experience you were meant to experience as an infant and were denied. There will be massive endorphin releases for you - like a happy nursing with mother and a falling in love all at once.
I want to put this dream in context with the healing touch I am receiving from DDF (whom I have asked to provide a screen name by which I can call her that is meaningful to her. She is much more to me than a "doctor" friend). It not lost on me (and scares me) that DDF is the physical manifestation of the Mamma right now. What scares me about this is the ancientness of my wound from denial of nurturing. The above comment really jolted me into understanding my fear.
Could I really experience an intense endorphin release if she holds me? I think that's very much possible.
I have understood that I could cry.
I didn't cry yesterday, or even feel any emotions with any real intensity. My emotions were far underground after releasing the fear of her discovering the truth about me (how messed up I am). Once I admitted to her I need to be held and I need to cry, I released the pressure and allowed my emotions to recede back into the depths beneath my armor.
OK, so I need to be held because I wasn't held as a baby, and have been unable to allow anyone to hold me ever since. I need to be held because I have experienced being held as painful or as sexually violating, rather than as safe and nurturing. I need to be held by my friend because I automatically transfer the experience of being held into a sexual encounter, but this isn't possible with her. She would not cross this line. She would not hurt me or allow me to go there.
This is a topic I have not discussed with her. My T asked me about it yesterday, if feeling sexual arousal was something I was afraid might happen, and part of why I have been so resistant to the idea of being held, of learning to be held. My answer to that question was "yes." At least, this is part of my fear of being held. This fear was reinforced by my former friend who admitted to being attracted to me when I reached the point that I opened up to her about my CSA history. (I have written about this before, so I won't repeat it here.)
My body seems to have one of four reactions: fight, flight, freeze, or sex.
I think I need to find out if DDF and I can move our appointments to a different location. I have a lot of emotions in need of processing, of being allowed to surface. Maybe we don't need to move the neck treatment appointments, but perhaps set up a separate time for me to ask to be held? I am thinking these issues related to being held are complicated for me. I need to be someplace away from work.
I'm not sure how this would be accomplished. I need to talk to her about this and about my four reactions. I guess even though this is pretty embarrassing, I need a plan for that too.
I think the connection here between the dream and my issues with being held is that the vampire is also my sexuality. I don't know yet what this means. But that makes sense in light of my ongoing questioning.