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Why?

Posted by angelica1966 , 17 January 2014 · 95 views

Why is it after all these years that I can still feel them?
Why do they invade my nights and my days?
I am consumed daily, it seems, by such monstrosity.
I must, however, somehow be in the now...
Wife, mom, friend and the like...but I feel like such a fraud.
I thought I was successful in life...years away from all the darkness...
Constantly though, the darkness would rear its ugliness in my now...
I am crumbling...trying to pick up the pieces...
I am tumbling...trying to stop my fall...
Why now?

My helper says, "It's time to heal."

IT cycles 'round once again...why?



Wow so beautifuly written. I feel the same way until this last year my CSA and r@pe had never been an issue. And really until the last few weeks myemories of my CSA where never in my memories. So now they all rear there ugliness. And I try everyday to be the good mother wife and friend and I to feel like a fraud. The perception that everyone has isn't the real me. I sit in my darknessso alone sio scared , so ashamed. Sitting with you hoping you find a way to heal

What a wonderful poem. And this is exactly how I feel too. It always helps when I read my thoughts in someone else's writing. I don't know why. I guess because it makes me realise that this is 'normal'.

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angelica1966
Feb 27 2014 02:56 AM

Wow so beautifuly written. I feel the same way until this last year my CSA and r@pe had never been an issue. And really until the last few weeks myemories of my CSA where never in my memories. So now they all rear there ugliness. And I try everyday to be the good mother wife and friend and I to feel like a fraud. The perception that everyone has isn't the real me. I sit in my darknessso alone sio scared , so ashamed. Sitting with you hoping you find a way to heal

 

Thank you, jmy3sns...I am sorry for what you went through. I thought I was fine. I never really gave any credit to my past. In fact I never really accepted it...and still have a challenging time accepting it even with counseling. It's so unfathomable...yet it is who I am...but I don't want it to be, you know...who would?! And yes, I feel like a fraud...a facade. But my counselor says that I am not. I have a past and a present me that I need to integrate through healing so that I can be the true me.

 

Thank you for being here with me...with others. I hope, too, that you can find healing here amongst all of us. Here for you when you need.

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angelica1966
Feb 27 2014 03:03 AM

What a wonderful poem. And this is exactly how I feel too. It always helps when I read my thoughts in someone else's writing. I don't know why. I guess because it makes me realise that this is 'normal'.

 

Thank you, my friend. I know what you mean! I always thought that I was "alone" in my thinking. It was an eye-opener for me to find so many others have the same feelings and emotions...which, I guess, helps me to know and realize what I don't want to realize: that my past is...truly real :'(

December 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.