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The Fight

Posted by bellachai , 25 January 2014 · 89 views

I have procrastinated blogging the fight I started last week with my daughter and her boyfriend the day after the ex-husband/cell phone to do.
 
Around Christmas time my daughter and her boyfriend thought it might be a good idea to get a companion for the monster puppy cuz he is eight now and needs to be excersized to remain happy and healthy.  So I gave them the money they needed to purchase a beautiful female Pit Bull puppy.  She is so sweet and loving I wish she were my dog and I am more a cat person.  She is funny and a sneaky thief of things she should not chew on/eat.
 
My daughter and her boyfriend know how I feel about how rough the boyfriend plays with any of the animals and it has seemed to me he was looking for things to punish the newest addition over.  Her name is Ellie.  This is just my opinion and it did not stop him. 
 
The boyfriend never puts anything back where he got them.  He never can find anything cuz he doesn't remember where he left them.   He does not take good care of anything. He is a slob.  Just my opinion.
 
The morning of the fight I was up at 6am picking up the dishes that the boyfriend left on the floor and coffee table in the livingroom while the dogs were outside.  While I was loading the dish washer I let the dogs in.  At first I could see them playing and eating their dog food.  Then it got quiet.
 
I went in the livingroom and there was Ellie chewing a bunch of Ibuprofen.  The boyfriend lost the cap somewhere so Ellie had easy access since the boyfriend left the open bottle on the floor.  I freaked and immediately became angry and scared for Ellie.
 
I banged on their door and demanded they come out to the livingroom.  Swearing is usually not my behavior.  I just lost it.  I told them what happened and it would not have happened if the boyfriend  wasn't such a slob, picked up after himself and put things back where he found them.  I told them at this point I would fear any grandchild they may give me that their slovenly behavior would be the death of their child.  I was speaking loudly.  I told them that I don't know how many pills she ate.  They are irresponsible.  Whenever I am angry I cry (I hate that I do that).  I told them that Ellie could die just because of their disrespect of my home and the safety of the animals.  I furthermore stated that the boyfriend also needs to stop beating Ellie whenever she does something naughty.  I also told my daughter that her boyfriend spends more time with me than she does.  Chewing the pills is not Ellie's fault but his.  The boyfriend denied beating her as punishment.  A lie.
 
Then what always happens with me the fight got off topic. Disagreements with people seem to always back fire on me and turned around upon me.  They both were verbally attacking me (that is what it felt like) regarding other things.  I kept trying to get back on topic about what to do about Ellie but they were hell bent to vent their complaints about me. I finally got tired of it and asked them then told them to get out of my face and go to their room and leave me alone.  They refused and kept on yapping at me.
 
I told them I have said all I wanted and I am now done.  I got up and went to the one place they would not follow me, the bathroom.  I took a shower and cried and cried.  When I came out to sit in my chair they both were still there.  My daughter had given Ellie a capful of hydrogen peroxide to cause her to vomit.  Ellie was vomiting.  Then they both started again attacking me on things that had nothing to do with Ellie.  They sat in positions directly across from me.  Like blocking me in.  On and on they went. 
 
I refused to engage other than to say I am done and I said all I wanted to.  For about an hour they went on especially the boyfriend.  It was ugly and so very hurtful.
 
It has been a week since that has happened and I still can hear the words they threw at me:
 
I was acting like a five year old
 
I was acting like a child
 
I am unfair to them
 
I ignore them
 
I don't care when they are sick
 
I repeat myself, telling something more than once
 
Everything has to be about me
 
I am selfish
 
My daughter cannot relate to the things I am interested in like current events, pandys and what I watch or read and she does not want to listen to those things
 
I take advantage of them
 
What a good mother I turned out to be (heavy sarcasm from my daughter)
 
Taking me somewhere or going with me anywhere is boring to my daughter so that is why the boyfriend goes with me
 
I am always in pain so why ask how I am and I don't look for other ways to get rid of my pain.
 
This is not the daughter I raised.  My daughter and her boyfriend do not pay me rent to live here.  I bought their car so they could get to work.  I paid for their insurance.  I pay the utilities.  Not too far back on a night that my daughter worked the boyfriend was sick with a 102 degree temp and he thought he was going to die I stayed up all night with him until my daughter got home.  I do not throw any of this in their face.  I wanted to help them out. 
 
The ending of this fight was interesting.  My daughter told her boyfriend to just stop cuz I was done talking.  The boyfriend then started to cry saying that at least my daughter has a parent that cares about her and he doesn't.  We should openly communicate our complaints. Then he got up and hugged me and said he was sorry which felt fake.  He then went right to the bathroom and vomited.
 
My daughter did not hug me nor did she ever apologize.
 
While they were yelling at me two of my lady cats were close to me meowing and totally upset.  I have never seen them do that.  Ellie was sitting between my legs as if protecting me.
 
Ellie continued to vomit through the night and some contained blood so my daughter called our vets night number.  The vet said the blood was from the pills and give her some pepsit.  She was her normal sweet puppy after 24 hours.  My daughter and boyfriend are still convinced that the vomiting caused the blood and that she did not actually swallow any of the pills.
 
My sorrow and disappointment are great.  I am also confused and bewildered.  I find myself doubting myself and think what if all the hurtful things they said not relating to Ellie might be true but logic tells me no.  Then I think maybe I am blind to my behaviors.  I just don't know.  What I do know is I feel even more alone than before.
 
Blessings to all here
 
 
 
 
 
 



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wavescalmme
Jan 25 2014 09:23 PM

(((((Bella)))))

Do not doubt your judgement. I am sure you are correct and that the sweet Ellie did ingest some of the Ibuprofen. From all I have read about your daughter and her b/f I get so angry for you. You don't deserve the treatment they give you. You are a wonderful person and a great friend here. 

I know it would upset you, but I wish you could just tell your daughter and her b/f to get out of your house. They are old enough and you shouldn't have to TAKE care of them. They should be taking care of you. Sorry for the vent.

Please know we are here listening and here to support you and offer our care even if it is virtually. I care and wish only the best for you.

Take care my sweet friend.
Love and hugs

Waves

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MaybeJoleisa
Jan 26 2014 12:23 AM

(((( Bella)))),

 

I'm not sure what to say except that their words are ugly and untrue. I'm glad Ellie is ok. I hope you are as well. Take care of yourself, as best you can. I will be thinking of you, and your puppy as well.

 

MJ

((((hughughughughug))))
 
agreed, their words are untrue. i know how it can wear you down, especially when being verbally attacked long after you said you wanted the conversation to end. i know how painful that must have been and that it will take time for the hurt to ease. i'm so sorry.

i hate that people who don't understand or care think there's no point to ask people who have chronic illnesses how they are. i hate it. i'm dealing with that too.

i'm so sorry. much love to you my friend. they are wrong about you...

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Untangling-It-All
Jan 26 2014 02:17 PM

Classic strategy. To avoid taking responsibility, your words get twisted and you get attacked. Don't believe a word of what they said, it was all done to distract from the real issue. This is how it was with my father and it is absolutely infuriating.

:hug:

Sorry I have nothing helpful to say but I wanted to say I read it and am thinking of you.

(((((Bella)))))

Do not doubt your judgement. I am sure you are correct and that the sweet Ellie did ingest some of the Ibuprofen. From all I have read about your daughter and her b/f I get so angry for you. You don't deserve the treatment they give you. You are a wonderful person and a great friend here. 

I know it would upset you, but I wish you could just tell your daughter and her b/f to get out of your house. They are old enough and you shouldn't have to TAKE care of them. They should be taking care of you. Sorry for the vent.

Please know we are here listening and here to support you and offer our care even if it is virtually. I care and wish only the best for you.

Take care my sweet friend.
Love and hugs

Waves

(((Waves)))

 

Thank you for you kind and caring comments.  You are in a similar situation with supporting/helping family members that are healthy for you so I know you know what the guilt trips are and turning the other cheek sometime and self doubting.  I wish you did not know.

 

Thank you my friend. :)  Love and hugs to you. 

(((( Bella)))),

 

I'm not sure what to say except that their words are ugly and untrue. I'm glad Ellie is ok. I hope you are as well. Take care of yourself, as best you can. I will be thinking of you, and your puppy as well.

 

MJ

Thank you (((MJ))) for you kind and caring words.  Many strings of trust with my daughter and her boyfriend were snapped in that fight.  My course of action is to separate myself from any help for them.  Once my dad's truck is repaired I will have independence again to do most of my errands myself and rely on my long term health caregivers to more than I have asked due to expecting my daughter and her boyfriend.

 

I am pretty sure that all the attentive smiling polite overboard behavior I have experienced from them since the fight is their backpedaling in the realization that they cannot live on their own cuz my daughter is the only one with a job.

 

It is just bittersweet.  I have some learning to do myself with my false beliefs.

 

Thank you my friend.  You mean much to me as do your comments.

((((hughughughughug))))
 
agreed, their words are untrue. i know how it can wear you down, especially when being verbally attacked long after you said you wanted the conversation to end. i know how painful that must have been and that it will take time for the hurt to ease. i'm so sorry.

i hate that people who don't understand or care think there's no point to ask people who have chronic illnesses how they are. i hate it. i'm dealing with that too.

i'm so sorry. much love to you my friend. they are wrong about you...

(((Pink)))

 

I think people become desensitized to people who have chronic pain/illnesses when they ask and tell them the truth.  It becomes boring to them or that we the sufferers that it is all in our heads therefore why ask.  I also think this applies to survivors as well.  Survivors suffer on a subject that is hard to fathom if you are not a survivor hence the remarks that survivors should just get over it and move on.

 

When my mother asks me how I am which is not everytime we converse. After I tell her the truth she says hmmmmm.  When she does that I wish she just would quit asking cuz hmmmm seems to be insulting or being accused of lying.

 

I wonder what they would say if they were to experience just one day in your shoes Pink.  I wonder how long they would endure being a survivor and all the pain it causes us.

 

I wish you did not know what I know (((Pink)))

 

Thank you my sweet friend.  Much love and many hugs

Classic strategy. To avoid taking responsibility, your words get twisted and you get attacked. Don't believe a word of what they said, it was all done to distract from the real issue. This is how it was with my father and it is absolutely infuriating.

You are spot on (((Untangling))).  Have a valid issue to discuss and at the end of a heated fight I feel unsure how it got all twisted and turned on back upon me and it being my fault and not even on the issue that started it all.  My children's father was an expert of doing that.  It is infuriating as it is a way of invaliding.

 

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you know how it feels (((Untangling)))

hug.gif

Sorry I have nothing helpful to say but I wanted to say I read it and am thinking of you.

Thank you (((Susanna))) and you always helpful to me.  Your hugs and thinking of me means so much to me.

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yarnfoolishness
Jan 27 2014 08:48 PM

(((Bella)))

 

I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, but I'm sending strength and good thoughts.  I agree with Untangling, and this was absolutely not your fault.  Ellie is alive thanks to you.

 

:candle:

Thank you (((yarnfoolishness)))   I hope you are doing ok.   Take good care of you.

Thank you for doing the right thing and taking care of Ellie. I'm so sorry your boyfriend and daughter said such hurtful things to you; you didn't deserve that. And you're absolutely right; there is no reason to beat an animal. Safe hugs if ok.

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