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Quiet Defiance

Posted by bellachai , 15 June 2014 · 209 views

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Careful reading some detail of CSA
I have watched shows, read books, the news and even read  here at Pandys regarding grooming their prey.  I was never groomed but my sister would fit the groomed victim.
My mother left my dad with my sister and I when I was 4 1/2 years old and my sister is only 13 months younger than me.  She moved us in with the evil stepfather that day.  My first memory was of that day.  Dad holding me in his arms crying which scared me so I was crying and my mother was screaming at him trying to pull me out of his arms.  My mother and dad were in the kitchen and the floor was dirt.  The memory of the floor was evidence that the memory was real, my mother validated it.  Dad was getting ready to pour concrete in the kitchen to repair foundation cracks caused by tree roots.
From the beginning I remember hatred for him (I don't remember being afraid of him but I must have been)  I just remember an intense hatred for him.  My sister took to him.  I was in trouble with him all the time it seems yet it was my sister who did the most naughty things.  I was able to entertain myself happily for hours quietly   That was not the case with my sister.  She required being entertained or she would cry.  She cried at everything.  She rarely cries now.  The evil step father pampered her yet he did nothing CSA to her until after I was no longer within his reach.  My stupid mother allowed her to visit him after she left him and we moved to Arizona.  His betrayal to her was devastating.  I only felt hatred for and from him.
He was always punishing me for not being good enough.  Wide belt for regular not good enough to thin belt for more serious not good enough.   I was lazy and never did anything right the first time.  Called me Mud Hen instead of my given name.  Attractive.  I often pondered as a child why would he hate me so much he felt the need to hurt me and beat me down.
Did he hate my big brown eyes, blonde hair and fair skin unlike his own or my mother or sister.  I was the one who looked different.  When my permanent front teeth came in they were large and very bucked.  My eyesight was strange one near sighted and one far sighted and the farsighted one would get tired and drift. So I had blue cat eyed glasses with a patch over the strong eye to strengthen the farsighted eye.  Then my mother insisted in putting my hair in a pony tail on top of my head so tight it would give me headaches.  Now if she had put them in pig tails I would have at least looked like one of Alvin the chipmunk's nieces.  I bet I would have been good enough then.  Did he hate me cuz I looked like a goof and behaved well?  Did he hate me cuz I was a freak?  I decided by the age 8 I was an ugly freak.  My sister did not have any of these handicaps.
His SA of me all those years made me physically ill.  I would hurt and throb down there and often I would bleed.  I was afraid to tell my mom and show her the blood cuz I would get beat by the evil stepfather.  I do not remember what words he used to silence me I just know if I told the consequences would be the worst imaginable.  So I would stuff toilet paper in my underwear.  I would just get sicker and sicker with bladder infections that would lead to upper respiratory infections.  I was sick every 6 weeks or so.  I was in hospital at least 4 times a year with either sever bladder infections, kidney infections or pneumonia or all three.  Major surgery was performed once with minor procedures in surgery 6 times.  Many bad painful memories of hospitals as well.
My mother finally had to do something about me by the age of 9 cuz I had become quietly defiant.  I had run away twice in the night  (one time I took only my red coat and it was summer).  I was still wetting the bed. I stopped crying no matter how much he beat me with the belt which infuriated him.  I stopped laughing and smiling.  I spoke very little except I was vocal enough to tell the evil stepfather and my mother that they did not love me to their faces. My mother took me to a psychiatrist.  I remember only one visit.  My mother told me how the psychiatrist ripped the evil stepfather another asshole cuz his disciplinary methods were not working on me.  He needed to change.  It never was discovered what he actually was doing to me.  I doubt I would have told anyone on one visit what he really was doing to me.  Anyway he vowed to change.  He did not change and that is when my mother left him and we moved to Arizona.
I still can be quietly deviant.   

:hug: so sorry. Short on words. He was an evil bastard. I hope he burns in hell.

sorry no words but ((((bellachai))))

Jun 15 2014 06:01 PM


Oh I am so sorry Bellachai. May he rot in hell.  


Sending  :hug:

Jun 15 2014 08:31 PM


I am sorry Bella. You deserved none of that. He is an evil entity.

Jun 16 2014 01:45 AM

Predators prey on those of us who are "weird" by a family's standards. I'm convinced of this. You were different because you were a good child, and that was taken advantage of by the rat-bastard. You are so strong for going through all of that, surviving it, and being courageous enough to be the kind-hearted, successful human-being that you are now. You are a powerful person; don't forget that.

Thank you (((all))) for your support, caring and hugs.  Much needed and appreciated.


I never thought by posting this would have triggered me but it did.  I had a few rough days but am more present and focused today.

Jun 18 2014 11:24 PM

I'm sorry for all you went through, Bella. If you ever need to talk more, I am here for you.

July 2016

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