I did talk about this with Dr K in my last session. I don't understand, and at the same time, I do understand how the trauma from the accident has affected me.
The trauma from this accident has brought up so much for me about the rapes.
I suppose it is a good thing to write about it. Dr K and I talked about that. Talking about it, writing about it. If I keep doing those things, eventually those things will take away some of the impact that the trauma has on me. The more you face something, talk about it, write about it, express it through art or song, or whatever your method, the less of a hold the trauma has over you.
Or something like that.
If that makes sense.
The first 24 hours or so after the accident, I was pretty much numb to it. In shock. Physically and emotionally. It's only been this past week since the accident that I have really started to feel the physical pain. And only the past few days that I have really started to feel the impact on an emotional level.
I would have to say that those things that are impacting me most now, and bringing up thoughts and feelings and memories from the rapes, are the following.
Loss of control. Having a man sitting behind me holding my head. Having to deal with state trouper in his uniform. Many men around me, just in general, both at the accident scene, and in the hospital. Feelings of fear and vulnerability. Feeling numb, and in shock. And, some of the physical pain, because during and after the rapes there was physical pain involved.
More may spring up for me in the next few days. I am not looking forward to that.
I had a nightmare the other night, and I had it again last night. And anyone who has known me here for a long amount of time will know I struggled with this nightmare for a long time, right around the time that I first started therapy.
I see his stare. Him staring at me. His hateful stare. And hear his breathing. That's all there is. Just him staring at me, just his hateful staring face from out of the darkness. That, and the sound of him breathing. And then I wake up.
So that is what I have been struggling with. All of that, and dealing with the very real possibility that I could have been killed when that tractor trailer plowed into the back of my car.