unfinished letter to HIS family/about my SA in general
I just wanted to let you all know that I'm Fine, thanks for asking. Also just wanted to tell you about this story of a little girl named Danielle, and if she ever meant anything to you, you will read this. Whether you want to believe it or not, I am going to tell you the truth.
At the age of 6, Danielle went to a home daycare, where she thought she could have fun with other kids until her mother came to get her from work. Instead everything got turned upside down, when one day she was asked to play a game by one of the owner's sons. But in reality it wasn't a game. But at the age of 6 who doesn't want to play a game?! I was blindfolded and had a fisher price toy part placed in my mouth, with Hershey's Syrup on it. Then after that happened, he placed his penis into my mouth, with the same syrup on it. The woman who ran the daycare, her nephew and I both told her what had happened, and later that evening she called my mom and told her what we had told her. The woman and her friend came over to our house and she told us what had happened, and said that I was lying, because her son would never do that. But in fact he did.
When Danielle was between the ages of 12-15 she had became friends with her "fathers" girlfriend Rachel. I thought this would be a good friend ship, and it started off that way, so I thought. Danielle had grown up for those years seeing pornography, listening to them having sex, or seeing them after they've had sex. Also knowing that something wasn't right when she took me and her son to another man's house and they we're always laying in bed together laughing, kissing and hugging. Something's not right there, but Danielle chose to keep her mouth shut because if she told she knew she would get into trouble. Danielle had been in the car with her while she had consumed alcohol. She also tried to treat Danielle for a yeast infection that she never had. Marc stood there and watched as she hurt Danielle while she was "helping me", and the neighbor had to come down to hold my hand because Danielle was screaming and crying.
Also, growing up being a Teenager, you want your privacy. Well it seemed that I could never use the bathroom/or take a shower without Marc always being there doing something. Its also not normal for your "father" to whistle at you when you walk by from taking a shower, and already being dressed. Its really uncomfortable.
In the past years I have been hurt by some other people as well, but I have gotten over it. I go to therapy, and I do volunteer work for Sexual Abuse/Rape Victims, Since I'm a SURVIVOR, not a VICTIM.
In the years that none of you have NOT tried to talk to me, or ask me why I stopped talking to him. I have thought about killing myself many times. I even got admitted into the psych ward in 2011 for talking about it at the hospital while at a check up, and also because I was ganged up on at a visitation for a friend's dad, because I didn't talk to my dad. And It was my job to make sure that "I talk to Marc before something like that happens to him". Also stating my own grandfather (whom disowns me): "I can't go to church with you because I have to drive up to Battle Creek because I have to make sure that your dad doesn't harm himself because of your not talking to him". Last time I checked you can't make someone harm themselves. And if you think making me feel bad about not talking to him, I don't give a fuck about what any of you think about me anymore, because he's already made his mind up and all of yours as well. So if he's going to do it, then let him. No one cares about me, so why should I care about anything...
I'm tired of letting people ridicule me for things that no one knows about, well you all know now. But I'm sure that none of you are going to believe me, and that I'm sure you all think MY MOM made me type this up. SHE DIDN'T. I CHOSE TO WRITE THIS MYSELF, BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF HEARING "he misses you". or "it's your fault". Blah Blah Blah!!!!
He sure as hell doesn't miss me, because trying to call me 2 times in 2 months in 2007, doesn't mean shit to me. Clearly I don't want to talk to him. I hate him.
I am terrified of seeing him in public. Every time I go to the store I am always looking over my shoulder, or If I see a man who looks like Marc I go down a different isle, until the man is gone. If I see him driving in town I don't pay attention, but I notice the fact that he's there, and I have horrible anxiety attacks, because I have no idea what he's told everyone about me, and I don't know what he could do to me because of how I've treated him theses past years, but I don't care. He deserves how I've treated him.
I am also triggered by things he's left me with. If I'm out and smell smoke, I look around me, and panic. If I see a truck that's the same as his (since he has a new truck) I keep a lookout because I'm not sure if they'll follow me, or something.