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I have no idea how I'm still standing anymore. I have been breaking down for over a year now and miraculously here i still stand. I don't know who to thank, or if I should thank anyone.
Everyday I wake up, it angers me. Everytime I open my eyes, I'm pissed. Why am I still here.
People tell me to look to God, and I just can't. I can't help but think, who is this God character. If I chose to believe in him, and I really supposed to believe that he is allowing all this nonsense to happen to me. That he's simply keeping me alive so that I can be his and the Devil's plaything?
Sorry I just can't
I've been begging for meds to help keep me at least a little more sane. but I guess since I"m not covered in cuts and not walking around drunk and haven't resorted to drugs yet, I don't exactly need meds.
SO here I sit. With each passing minute contemplating how to do it. Can i do it. Will i do it. While I wait for someone to see the real me, whats hidden beneath this disgustingly fat slob of a shell. Can someone please see the chaotic hell that lives within me. The pain, the anger, the shame, the fear... Something, someone, please... HELP!
It has been confirmed by multiple family members, including my father who never believed me, that my little cousin was raped and molested by my uncle as well and has been in a psych institution ever since. She can't go home because he still lives there. Her mom wont leave him, because she doesn't believe. I can't help but feel like its my fault. I knew that when I came into the picture he left the older one alone, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think about the younger one. I let her down. I"m sorry.
Why does it feel like once I made a decision that was supposed to be good for me everything went to hell. Honestly I would have been better off if I let him continue to use me. I wouldn't be so alone. I wouldn't have to struggle to pay my bills, wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. Is that wrong of me? it has to be, who says stuff like that. Yeah I want my abuser to keep abusing me.
My mind is warped. I keep having nightmares, bad thoughts. Everything is just screwed up. I can't keep anyone around me because all i want to do is fight. I want to yell and scream all the wrong people have done to me. All the anger I have inside of me is desperate to get out. But the people who need to hear it don't give a rats ass. And really its not for anyone else. But I can't turn the anger off. Its there and any tiny little thing sets me off. I explode. I'm trying really hard to hold it in, but when i do it brings me right back to wanting to kill myself. And oddly enough, when I let it out I have so much shame and self-hatred that I want to retreat into hiding and never come out again...
If you can follow any of this, then you know that I have lost my mind.
Everyday I wake up, it angers me. Everytime I open my eyes, I'm pissed. Why am I still here.
People tell me to look to God, and I just can't. I can't help but think, who is this God character. If I chose to believe in him, and I really supposed to believe that he is allowing all this nonsense to happen to me. That he's simply keeping me alive so that I can be his and the Devil's plaything?
Sorry I just can't
I've been begging for meds to help keep me at least a little more sane. but I guess since I"m not covered in cuts and not walking around drunk and haven't resorted to drugs yet, I don't exactly need meds.
SO here I sit. With each passing minute contemplating how to do it. Can i do it. Will i do it. While I wait for someone to see the real me, whats hidden beneath this disgustingly fat slob of a shell. Can someone please see the chaotic hell that lives within me. The pain, the anger, the shame, the fear... Something, someone, please... HELP!
It has been confirmed by multiple family members, including my father who never believed me, that my little cousin was raped and molested by my uncle as well and has been in a psych institution ever since. She can't go home because he still lives there. Her mom wont leave him, because she doesn't believe. I can't help but feel like its my fault. I knew that when I came into the picture he left the older one alone, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think about the younger one. I let her down. I"m sorry.
Why does it feel like once I made a decision that was supposed to be good for me everything went to hell. Honestly I would have been better off if I let him continue to use me. I wouldn't be so alone. I wouldn't have to struggle to pay my bills, wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. Is that wrong of me? it has to be, who says stuff like that. Yeah I want my abuser to keep abusing me.
My mind is warped. I keep having nightmares, bad thoughts. Everything is just screwed up. I can't keep anyone around me because all i want to do is fight. I want to yell and scream all the wrong people have done to me. All the anger I have inside of me is desperate to get out. But the people who need to hear it don't give a rats ass. And really its not for anyone else. But I can't turn the anger off. Its there and any tiny little thing sets me off. I explode. I'm trying really hard to hold it in, but when i do it brings me right back to wanting to kill myself. And oddly enough, when I let it out I have so much shame and self-hatred that I want to retreat into hiding and never come out again...
If you can follow any of this, then you know that I have lost my mind.
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lostinsideofme likes this
2 Comments On This Entry
Your pain is tangible and I relate immensley. If nothing else, I can tell you the one thing that has gotten me this far is exercise. I'm not saying you need to join a gym; just get outside and walk, hike, run...whatever. It's an opportunity to take advantage of the same drugs you'd get from an Rx but from your body instead. I often find in the attention my exercise requires, that I don't have the opportunity to let my mind spiral out of control and that I always feel a bit better afterwards. Promise yourself to give it a shot-it won't solve your problems but it certainly will give you some relief.
clergyabusevictim,
07 March 2012 - 12:42 PM
I need to. I used to and i felt so much better when I did. Now its just a matter of finding the energy to get myself started back again.
lostinsideofme,
12 March 2012 - 11:26 PM
Page 1 of 1
Guide to my world
I put up a general *TRIGGER WARNING* for all those who read. This is me being as real as I can get, trying not to hold back. Working through memories and life's challenges in the aftermath.
Contents:
Randomness tends to have the most content, but I warn you, it gets pretty random.
When I find more courage, My stories, will have more content. For now walk with my through my therapeutic adventures and rants.
School sucks, but at least its finally over.
Emotions, Memories are full of raw emotion.
Recently I've been Exploring My Sexuality
Welcome to my world.~lost~
Contents:
Randomness tends to have the most content, but I warn you, it gets pretty random.
When I find more courage, My stories, will have more content. For now walk with my through my therapeutic adventures and rants.
School sucks, but at least its finally over.
Emotions, Memories are full of raw emotion.
Recently I've been Exploring My Sexuality
Welcome to my world.~lost~
What I'm Pondering
How do you overcome something that has been ingrained in you? Is it possible, or is it like fighting against your genes?
How on earth do turkeys get their fat asses in the air?
If I evolved from a primate, how come I've forgotten how to climb a tree?
Who can fry an egg on a sidewalk? I can barely fry an egg in a pan.
How on earth do turkeys get their fat asses in the air?
If I evolved from a primate, how come I've forgotten how to climb a tree?
Who can fry an egg on a sidewalk? I can barely fry an egg in a pan.
