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Well okay I do know why.

Posted by bellachai , 13 April 2013 · 88 views

My intentions were to write more on my last blog entry but as soon as I wrote that one sentence I chickened out. Maybe it is fear or something I cannot put my finger on.

My physical pain is valid as it was so damn cold this week and I do not have heat or hot water. Very inconvenient and worsens pain. Some pain can feed off my depression as well. Just because I know this has not empowered me to manage it well. One does get tired of even trying to contain pain to a minimum.

I thought I was done with flashbacks but apparently not. These flashbacks aren't even sexual more trivial things. BUT they scare me cuz what if it is like my mind is testing me like checking that the water is warm enough to jump right in. I don't want to remember any more than I already do. What I remember is horrific enough to last my soul 5 lifetimes.

The first flashback yesterday was like a family reel movie old fashioned like of the evil stepfather eating fruit. He always ate an enormous amount of fruit daily. An oddity to me and kind of repulsive in remembered memories. Maybe his subconscious telling people he was a crazy fruit.

Later yesterday I heard someone whistling in the park behind my home and the flashback was the evil stepfather attempting to teach me how to whistle. To this day I cannot whistle. Defiance I am sure. This is a memory I did not have until yesterday yet it felt like it happened yesterday. He called me names of how stupid I was and kept insisting I knew how to do it. He beat me with a belt for not being able to whistle.

The middle of the night I had a flashback of my nickname only he called me: Mud Hen. Isn't that adorable. Have you seen one? It is an American Coot bird that live in marshes and swamps and not too attractive.

The most disturbing flash back was early this morning. It was sitting on the evil stepfather's lap while he clipped my fingernails down to the quick and then push my cuticles way back. I have had this flashback before and everytime I do I immediately close my hands tight in fists hiding my nails. I think the pain I relive with this memory is a body memory which leads me to worse body memories which I thought I was done with too.

I am also having flashbacks about my Grandmother but those are only pleasant and welcome memories as she loved me unconditionally and she was the only one not afraid to stand up to the evil stepfather. I wish I had told her my secret back then cuz I think she may have killed him or taken me away from my mother and out of his reach

But my depression is deeper now the last couple of days not only due to the flashbacks and pain. I need to either put a cork in my daughter's mouth so she cannot speak to me or render myself deaf so I cannot hear her words to me. Her intentions are not to hurt me and it is unlike me to be so sensitive.

Today she was telling me her conversation with my mother (which is always a joy to have :rolleyes: ). My mother asked her if it effected her to have both her parents in poor health. My daughter told me it was the hardest for her to take in regards to me (meant as a compliment to me)cuz I was always so strong, I did everything and I did it alone. I raised her and my son alone. I did whatever it took which was three jobs at once but had the energy for quality time for them and my son was a handful with his ADD and short term memory loss. And now I am so fragile and weak. I started to say something and tears came to my eyes and she said "I know mom" and left the room leaving me alone here in the livingroom.

I never wanted my children ever to have memories of me as broken, weak and fragile but I can't fix me. I tried up to the moment I had my breakdown.

Damn it I miss the strong healthy me. I miss having friends. I miss laughing and smiling. I miss dancing. I miss earning my own way. I miss vacations to the Oregon coast. I miss listening and helping people. I miss taking care of my home by myself. I miss picnics and fourth of July fireworks. I miss my Grandmother, I miss my son, I miss my dad and I am angry with him for leaving me with my mother. I miss breathing normally. I miss long walks around the lake in my town. I miss being passionate about living. I miss affection I received from my children which my daughter's boyfriend thought was creepy so she hardly ever hugs me anymore when she always use to tell people I gave the warmest and best hugs. None of my family would go out of their way to hug me and I may as well hug telephone poles instead of the rest of my family cuz that is how they become when hugged by me which always makes me wonder how any of them ever reproduced cuz telephone poles can't. I miss being in love and now I will never know what it feels like to have a good man truly love me.

What does this mean I am being punished for being in the path of pediphiles, perverts and date rapest? Do they feel my pain and aloneness. Were they rewarded? Is this hell?



Thinking of you. The flashbacks sound so horrible. They all share something in common to me - they are all things that should have been wholesome, warmhearted, special or whatever (eating fruit, teaching you to whistle, a nickname that only one person called you) but that is subverted by your evil stepfather to show you that nothing is to be trusted. He ate lots of fruit. But he did those horrible things to you. Fruit should be a sign of health and vitality, instead it is a sign of evil. He taught you to whistle. That should be a shared pleasure. Something warm. But he crushed you and beat you. He gave you a nickname but it was not one that brought you close to a special person, it was one designed to crush and minimise you.

I'm so sorry. These are messages that stay long after the pain has gone. I am glad that you recognise he was evil. You did not deserve that.

I'm sorry your daughter is finding things hard and that her boyfriend says things that are cruel (what has it got to do with him if your daughter likes to hug you?). I am glad she appreciates what you did for her. I wish you could have those hugs you crave. I hope and believe that you will have them again.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
:blanket:

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