memories are so real!
Why are bad memories so strong? This whole incident (something happened today) has triggered me really badly, the memories, they feel almost real, almost like I'm there, there at each of their funerals, there at Nan's funeral (started thinking about nan amongst all this), there being shouted at by J for being upset about things.
f*ck! what even happened with J? I don't even know! Was it even wrong what happened with him? I mean the sexual stuff. I mean, we were together right, that's what bf and gf do, they have sex. I told him no, that I didn't want to, but he did it anyway. And I let him. I could've left, I could've walked out. I was scared of him leaving me so I just let him do it even after saying no and fighting back the tears throughout the whole thing, but I just led there and let him carry on. I could have just f*cking left! I don't know why I didn't just do that! Did he even do anything wrong? I don't even know any more! When I used to speak to a counsellor she said that he *did* do something wrong, but what?? I fucking let him, so what did he even do??
Do you ever just reach that point where you're upset about stuff and then you just feel nothing, you just feel completely numb? Cos that's how I feel right now!