Today's T, exhaustion, and erotic transference moving away maybe....?
So, I started to talk about my DD and her recent trip to Auschwitz. She was fortunate enough to meet a survivor who had been experimented on from the age of 3-5. I'm saying how moved the kids were by this woman's bravery, how she had to learn to behave like a 'normal' child when she got out. She didn't know how to play, what a bed was, how to build relationships with others. And BAM - my T goes straight in (which she has realised I think that she has to do with me, otherwise I have time to prepare and 'hide'). "Mand, can you see any parallels with what you are saying about this lady and your own sexual abuse?". "But they're not the same thing" I countered, "this woman had no choice. She is brave and amazing and strong." Her response: "What choice did you have Mand? Did you not make decisions about what you had to do to survive? At 3 - what knowledge did you have? Were you cogitatively aware? That lady in the camp, do you think she might have done things that she is ashamed of as an adult? Or did she do what she had to do to survive".
In this moment, I had one of my feelings of vertigo. I felt dizzy. The was a deep, deep shift in perspective. A VERY important piece of processing and healing is now at work, planted in my brain. I feel totally exhausted now. I mean, completely and utterly drained.
She has asked me to book a riding lesson for after our session on Friday, as she wants to do deeper work still. Part of me is terrified, but I actually feel excited. Thrilled at the prospect that THIS is why I am seeing her. For THIS. I am so glad, it's only taken 10 months, but my T has weathered the storm.
And we also discussed the erotic transference. I said how I realised that I had been trying to recreate my relationship I had had with my abuser, with her. That I cared so much for her, that I could not believe that she cared for me, unless she wanted me sexually, which is why I had made myself so sexually available to her. And she said "Yes. You were repeating an old pattern. But now you know, you can change that pattern. It will take hard work, but you know that caring does not mean that you need to be sexual." And I still love her, love her deeply, but today, the sexually element is fading. I feel, I dunno - safer? Not that I haven't always felt safe, but its like, a more honest love.
Time to sleep. I am pleased with today. I feel good. The Silent One is being loved.
Edited to add this link. http://www.johnbriere.com/STM.pdf This really helped me to understand why my T behaves like she does during our sessions!