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When my children left it was a Friday, it was the day after i was served and the night after my daughter broke my heart. They were to be with their dad until Wednesday. I received a card from my daughter the morning she left. One she hand drew and colored. She is quite artistic and incredibly expressive. Thinking of the images on the card is making me cry as I write. It showed the depth of her love for me and that she knew that I was hurting.
Even still I had no desire to communicate with them. For the first time I can remember I had no desire to see them or talk to them. At the same time I was grieving for the anticipated loss of my daughter. My son, who I adore, has always belonged to the world. But my daughter has always been tied to my soul. As a baby and small child she couldn't bear to be separated from me and I from her.
Wednesday finally came and I was still not ready to see my children. My son was completely unaware of my feelings but my daughter was very aware and was visibly upset. I pulled her aside and she shared that she felt that I was not happy to see her(she was right). I adore both of them, my oldest too who lives only with me. But this secret separates us. It prevents me from having a FULL relationship with my children. I worry about having a co-dependent relationship with them or that i will create a "loyalty bond" with them. I am also incredibly fearful that if I share the knowledge will be "too big" and they will leave me; leave me to stand by their dad... who hurt me, who continues to hurt me.