Day 81: The Measure of the Wound
A fellow journeyer on the SA healing path articulated in a way that really touched me, an issue with which I often struggle.
You want to know something? I felt pretty stupid posting here - that is the negative thought I battled past. My story, is not as important, traumatic as others- is what my mind wanted me to believe.
That's a big load of bull, I have concluded my consciousness is a jerk.
My story is not like everyone's, but trauma is not something you can measure with a stick.
The truth is: I am no less deserving than my fellow survivors to be supported with grace and surrounded with compassion, and even if I don't believe it 100% I'm going to keep saying it to myself until it becomes automatic.
"Trauma is not something you can measure with a stick."
I am haunted by statements like, "at least she wasn't raped," said by my mom, not knowing I was digitally raped. She was reacting to my intact hymen when I was six years old. My step father didn't rape me either. So, by the measure of what's really a 'bad' trauma, these two abusers don't meet the criteria.
Actually, I don't know if she knows that I was digitally raped and sodomized by that babysitter. I can't stomach the idea of asking, of telling her, of facing her dismissiveness, her 'correcting' my memory.
Besides, what she believes isn't relevant anyway.
There is a set of societal messages that relate to this issue, which create much of the distortion we experience, or at least I experience. Society says . . .
The worse the wound:
- the more deserving of compassion.
- the more time you are allowed to heal.
- the more support provided.
- the more right you have to talk about it.
- the more willing others are to listen.
Anyway, it occurred to me, in order to reprogram my consciousness to not be a jerk to me (as the original author amusingly put it) I need to hold fast to a different understanding.
It's not about the 'size' or 'severity' of the injury. It's the complexity of the healing process. The measure of a wound is the time and effort it takes to heal. And, I am the judge of the severity of the wound -- not society, not my mom.