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the email explained my situation, the things that had happened in my life leading up to the point where he and i met on facebook. i was telling him, basically, that i had never really gotten a chance, over the past five years, to really address the topic of my sexual assault in therapy or in my life, for that matter.
now that things are calmed down with my family- the relationship with my mom is ok (we are not fighting anymore)... i am finally able to deal with the main issue in my life. for the first time in five years i am able to feel sad about being digitally raped.
i feel majorly depressed about it. i feel a sense of apathy about life and desperation. like... i still can't believe that he would do that to me.
i remember, five years ago, that i was out of my mind with anger. i had misdirected alot of anger towards my family members (especially my mom). she was drinking at the time and she had no idea what was going on with me, since i did not come out with the sexual assault for six months after it happened.
my PTSD plus her drinking caused huge, huge fights between us. major fights. when she found out that i had started smoking, my dad had to pull her off of me. her eyes were black and dilated and she said "i don't want to just hit you. i want to do more to you."
i was standing there, sort of crying, saying over and over, "why are you hitting me? why are you hitting me?"
things have gotten so much better between my mom and me. there are still times when i feel like she is pushing me too hard or that she doesn't understand, at all, why i am crying- and she sort of comes off rather judgemental. however, she has stopped drinking, and i have stopped misdirecting my anger. this decision on both of our parts has made our relationship so much better.
in the email to Zach, i did not include the fact that my mother was drinking, during the months when my mom and i were fighting. i felt that, out of respect for my mom's privacy, i should not tell him about my mother's past alcoholism. i simply gave him a sort of "time-line" that led up to when he and i met. i really need him to understand why i am depressed right now, and that i need to experience these feelings, even though they are negative.
i know that men want to "fix things." they want to be able to just say some magic words to be able to take away our pain. but i need him to understand that there's nothing he can say or do that will make me feel better about having been sexually assaulted. i really don't want him to resent me for this. i need him to understand that recovery is an incredibly personal process but i do appreciate his support and care for my well being. i hope he's able to understand that.