Reading the devastatingly detailed accounts of abuse, assault and rape on this site has reminded me, not for the first time by far, how crap my memory is. While some survivors can remember traumatic events from the age of two or even earlier, I don't remember things from a few years, sometimes even months, ago. My detailed memory of 'the Incident' itself is getting shakier by the day... and we're only a few days off six months now. You wouldn't think something that's messed me up so much could be so easily washed away... but Tsu's terrible memory strikes again. It's a wonder I can remember my own name sometimes.
I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse. Certainly, in situations like those we've all been through here, it'd be easier not to remember... maybe. Though I imagine it'd be maddening if you couldn't remember the reason you felt like this. But I'm scared, scared that the few details I do remember clearly and without doubt will fade to match those that are clouded through fear, confusion, self-blame, police doubt, and a shitload of alcohol.
Can't even write that latter without adding a disclaimer of 'I'm an idiot'. Great.
So... I want to write the details down. Not just of that day (and probably not for a while, tbh) but of all the days I'm going through at the moment. To employ a cliché, the good, the bad and the ugly. But also the beautiful. Because surprisingly, there's been a lot of them, mainly thanks to some wonderful friends, but also thanks to the beauty of performing arts, something I have never felt so comfortable doing as that time when I barely felt comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I feel guilty for that. Sometimes I feel thankful. Sometimes I wonder when the bomb's going to drop and I'll disappear into a big black hole of... well, everything I haven't felt so far.
Ugh. I wish I could control this whole emotional response thing. Wouldn't that be easier? To go, "I've been raped. I will respond with appropriate devastation, followed by anger directed at the culprit rather than my closest friends and the law, followed by a timely amount of depression that doesn't stop me from progressing at uni, followed by gradual healing, then finally happiness." If onlyyy.
Yeah... to say this whole thing frustrates me is a little bit of an understatement.
Where was I? Ramble ramble... Yup... So, this is a daily blog/journal/whatever this thing may be. And I've never managed to keep a daily anything in my life, so let's be realistic and just say... when something happens, or I feel it, it'll be here. So that this can be my memory. Because whether things are wonderful or terrible, they'll affect me for longer than I can remember them, and it's better to recall why. And honestly? It's always good to see where you've come from.