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dismayed...

Posted by missophelia , 04 December 2013 · 221 views

I have the feeling that is how my therapist felt today, toward the end of my session.
 
Every session, she asks me what's on the agenda.  Sometimes it's the homework she's given me.  Sometimes, it's how I'm feeling or doing.  Or not doing.
 
She basically wants me to have some control over my therapy.
 
So, today I brought up my homework from last week.  And then, toward the end of my session, she asked how I am doing safety wise. 
 
She knows I"ve been feeling suicidal lately, so she asks if I'm having suicidal thoughts or feelings, or if I have a plan to do anything.
 
Well, today, she asked all of that toward the end of my session.  I basically alluded to having suicidal thoughts, and then when asked, basically laid out a plan that I've had before and had shelved, but have brought back out into the open of my mind, thoughts, and feelings.
 
She wasn't really happy to hear all of that at the end of my session.  She seemed dismayed that I hadn't brought it up when we first started.
 
But crap, I didn't want to spend the whole session the way I've been spending them lately.  Crying, showing my depression, spending the whole hour talking about that which is not going away.
 
But I guess if that's what she wants, then if that's how I'm feeling next week, that's what we'll talk about.



Sitting with you (if ok). Not sure if you want any feedback? I feel like your T is there for you even if she didn't give you what you needed right now. I'm really sorry T didn't give you what you needed. :metoyou:
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missophelia
Dec 04 2013 05:07 PM

Susanna

 

Thanks.  I think it's not that she didn't give me what I need.  I didn't bring it up, so she couldn't know.  I dont' expect her to read my mind.  But I didn't want to bring it up. 

 

What we did talk about was good, but at the same time, I know I need to talk about my depression, and more importantly, my suicidal feelings and thoughts.  I just feel like it's sort of pointless, and I really don't want to be put in the hospital.

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missophelia
Dec 04 2013 06:40 PM

I feel like a non-functioning failure....

Sorry with how you felt. Don't be so hard on yourself..my thoughts used to go there all the time and the depression finally lifted. Are you taking any meds to help with the thoughts? It worked for me.. Sending support your way.. Dani1
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yarnfoolishness
Dec 05 2013 12:14 PM

I sympathize with you.  I often feel that way myself.  Sitting with you if ok.  :cuppa:

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missophelia
Dec 05 2013 06:37 PM

Dani1

 

Thanks.  I find it very hard to not be hard on myself.  I can't take meds, i have very adverse reactions to them. 

 

Thank you for the support.

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missophelia
Dec 05 2013 06:38 PM

yarnfoolishness

 

Thank you.  I'm sorry you feel that way, too.  Thanks for sitting with me.

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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