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Posted by Falula , in suicide, depression 08 April 2013 · 149 views

About amonth ago I was pretty much suicidal. I was planning my death. On my list was todo my funeral arrangements and buy my cemetery plot. I was really, really depressed. I was feeling pain so deep that the only thing that gave me any comfort was the thought of ending my life. I even asked a close loved one if he would understand if I took my life given the amount of emotional pain he's seen mein. I gave the analogy of someone dying of cancer. After a certain point you want them to be at peace. He said he understood.

Theother day the cable guy came to install my cable. On his right calf was a tattoo with angel wings and a date. I asked him aboutit. He said it was in memorial to his cousin. He committed suicide at 20 whenhis girlfriend would not take him back. Wow!

Theother day I heard the 27 year old son of a prominent pastor killed himself at27 years old after struggling with mental illness his whole life. He shot himself.

In both these instances I felt a great deal of sadness for these families who lost loved ones to suicide. In each case tears came to my eyes. What a waste. They're too young to have their life snuffed out. They had their whole life ahead of them. They will miss out on all life has to offer. If only they could have gotten help. If only they could see that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Now I feel bad for being suicidal. If I felt that much sadness for people I've never met who committed suicide, I imagine how sad my loved ones would be if I killed myself. What an awful selfish thing to do to put my family and loved ones through such a horror. I feel bad for even considering it. How could I even remotely rationalize comparing myself to a dying cancer victim?

Apr 09 2013 08:09 AM
You should feel no guilt for your thoughts. The pain you have suffered in your life has driven you that far, that is so sad. There should be no shame in suicide, only shame in the people that drive others to the point in their life that the only option they feel they have left is to take their own life. They're the ones who should feel bad.

I've tried to kill myself, twice. I've really, really hurt so many people. I've broken my Mums heart, my best freinds heart. I find it hard to comprehend that they've taken me back despite me being so horrible.

I understand what youre saying about rationalising suffering. I'm not the best person to speak to about this. I feel much the same, my Nan was very ill for a long time. When she eventualyl died, everyone told me to comfort in the fact she was no longer suffering. I did, but I wanted her back. Is that selfish?

I would have sat with her my whole life, just watching her breathe to still have her by my side. I'd tell her anything, her body knew all my secrets. I wanted her to die. In the end. I wanted her to. I wanted her withdrawn from her treatment earlier than the rest of my family. When a nurse came round to treat her, 10 hours into her journey from being kept alive by drugs to dying, I told her not to. I had to physicalyl st op her and explain she wsnt being treated. How cold is that? I stopped her. IT would just have prolonged her death though. It took her 16 hours to die. 16 hours. You wouldnt leave an animal to suffer for that long. It was horrible.

If offered the option to have her euthinased, I might have said yes. Its so horrible, I loved every last second I had with her. But it was so hard for her. So hard for us. Is that wrong?

Theres are all rhetorical. Theres no wrong or right answer I dont believe.

I'm glad you've been given some outside perspective to help you overcome these suicidal feelings, but you shoulod feel no guilt or shame for feeling the way you did. Thing is, its true what you say. It is a waste. There is always another way.

You can do it, keep fighting.

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