Venting And Needy :(

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Venting And Needy :(

22 January 2013

Posted by Lilaea

[trigger]I think everything is downswing right now[/trigger]

Today is really hard. I had to pull out of dog sitting my landlords dog because right now I'm so anxious that I'm useless and I'm going to mess things up and hurt her (dog) that I just cannot do it. And I'm feeling really really sick inside because a friend was interrogating me about my family history the last time I saw her and I'm sure she thought I was lying about some of it and I'm honestly, honestly not. I'm just so anxious about everything that it sounds like it. I'm just not sure.

I should never have told her anything. I should have just shut up and faked it. Or better yet I should have done a better a job of attempting. Or my father should have done a better job of strangling me. He really should have done, I'm that worthless. Because while I am biracial I know almost nothing about my heritage. Better to just have said that my family is Jewish and emigrated to England and Scotland from Poland. Much much better than explaining the stupid stupid complicated story that I only half know and aren't sure of. Maybe I am just appropriating for attention but I really really don't think I am. And I can't even cry in front of people anymore. I just...it hurts so much. So so much.

See I'm in fandom. I make sense of a lot of things through writing, through words. And so I have a poem, reputedly written by Anne Boleyn in the tower (Natalie Dormer's Anne Boleyn is my darling darling favourite, though I love Annabelle Wallis' Jane Seymour so so much too) 'Death Rock Me Asleep' and I type it out when I'm feeling really really triggered and alone and sad/worthless. And it helps, weirdly. Because somehow by typing I can somehow get the ugliness off my chest. I just don't always need to look at it.

I am neither well nor happy right now. I hate that I'm on disability and such a mess that getting out of bed is so hard (getting out of bed!) and trying not to SI is a struggle that I cannot believe. I really cannot. I panic ALL THE TIME and I can barely sleep for replaying conversations (in which I work out everything I did wrong ever) and images of attempting in my head so I give up and cry. I can barely read or watch TV. Dealing with support services/services makes me feel sick. Dealing with anything makes me feel sick.

I just...I want it to stop. I want my safe bookstore job back. I want to have not f__d up my relationship with my beloved beautiful we were engaged girlfriends. I want this all to stop. I'd attempt again if I wasn't sure that G-d hates me. That I'm doing terrible at working on being Jewish (I'm I guess of Jewish descent but wasn't really bought up in the faith so) and I'm clearly not trying. I'm clearly too needy. And it hurts and I'm sore and I just want it to stop. I really really do.

(I am going to go eat my frozen yoghurt, watch Obamas be adorable and then text a friend)

Tags: triggers, mental health, abuse, downswing, depression, anxiety, ptsd, feelings expressed through the tudors

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4 Comments On This Entry

if ok, I am sorry you are hurting so bad. I suggest finding things that make you feel good, and doing that as much as you can. I listen to meditation tapes and things like that at home, safe in my bed, and it makes me feel so much better. I don;t have to deal with any real people to get this help. That's the best part of it. Try not to run yourself down, try and tell yourself good things. Don;t worry about what other people think, tey can be so ignorant at times, even the best of friends. It is hard when you are feeling so bad to come under criticism, trust me, I know. This all passes, and good times come in to our lives . Sometimes, we need to be sad :tear:

This is how we heal

endlessocean, 23 January 2013 - 03:48 AM

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endlessocean, on 23 January 2013 - 03:48 AM, said:

/> if ok, I am sorry you are hurting so bad. I suggest finding things that make you feel good, and doing that as much as you can. I listen to meditation tapes and things like that at home, safe in my bed, and it makes me feel so much better. I don;t have to deal with any real people to get this help. That's the best part of it. Try not to run yourself down, try and tell yourself good things. Don;t worry about what other people think, tey can be so ignorant at times, even the best of friends. It is hard when you are feeling so bad to come under criticism, trust me, I know. This all passes, and good times come in to our lives . Sometimes, we need to be sad :tear:

/> This is how we heal

Thank you thank you. I kept coming back to this and trying to reply and finding I couldn't but oh oh thank you. Thank you. I'm so so tired right now, I really really needed to hear that, that it's okay to take a break, to just do good things and not deal with people.

Lilaea, 24 January 2013 - 03:08 AM

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I don't think you're worthless at all. And I do understand being confused about your heritage and having no answers for it. I haven't personally been able to bring it up to people, but when you dissociate a lot and when your family background is so chaotic, I think it's understandable to be really confused. I believe you and that you're still trying to work it out. You don't ever have to talk about your family history if you're not comfortable either, and I'm sorry you felt pressured.

I understand too about those looping thoughts and feeling stuck to even get out of bed, stuck to deal with services, like it's all too much. I know saying "it can get better" isn't of much help, but I do know that even though I felt like that for so long, I did find help that truly helped and have felt good days. It's still a struggle but there HAS been some light through the darkness, if it's of any hope for you at all.

As a Jewish person too, I can tell you there's not a "wrong" way to be Jewish. If you pray every day or you pray two times a year, it's okay. And if you can't pray that's all right as well! Your heritage and religion are yours, however much or little you can identify with them at any time. I hope you can take care of yourself through everything. If you need to talk about it, you can PM too okay? I promise I can listen without judgment, and at least when it comes to struggling with family heritage and identity I can really relate.

:metoyou:

I hope you can be okay through all of this

FloweringRose, 24 January 2013 - 03:12 AM

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FloweringRose, on 24 January 2013 - 03:12 AM, said:

I don't think you're worthless at all. And I do understand being confused about your heritage and having no answers for it. I haven't personally been able to bring it up to people, but when you dissociate a lot and when your family background is so chaotic, I think it's understandable to be really confused. I believe you and that you're still trying to work it out. You don't ever have to talk about your family history if you're not comfortable either, and I'm sorry you felt pressured.I understand too about those looping thoughts and feeling stuck to even get out of bed, stuck to deal with services, like it's all too much. I know saying "it can get better" isn't of much help, but I do know that even though I felt like that for so long, I did find help that truly helped and have felt good days. It's still a struggle but there HAS been some light through the darkness, if it's of any hope for you at all.As a Jewish person too, I can tell you there's not a "wrong" way to be Jewish. If you pray every day or you pray two times a year, it's okay. And if you can't pray that's all right as well! Your heritage and religion are yours, however much or little you can identify with them at any time. I hope you can take care of yourself through everything. If you need to talk about it, you can PM too okay? I promise I can listen without judgment, and at least when it comes to struggling with family heritage and identity I can really relate. :metoyou:

/> I hope you can be okay through all of this

Out of words a bit today but I will maybe take you up on that PM offer - thank you thank you. It just made me burst in to tears today because it's been such an awful day and just...thank you for being so kind.

Lilaea, 24 January 2013 - 06:02 AM