Pandora's Aquarium: Different thoughts, I feel like I am going crazy sometimes - Pandora's Aquarium

I hate the way I handle things sometimes. I know that what my father did when I was younger was because of the way I am. I was so very passive when I was younger, scared to death to make anyone angry, cause anymore problems than I already had, and I know that it was obvious, it made me an easy target, I guess. I am still like that. I am still the person that is nice to my dad, that does things for him, that tries to make him happy and feel loved. Even after everything he did??!! How can I, why am I like this, I am so stupid and weak!! I have doubts still if my memories are accurate, but even if they are not, and he didn't do to me what I thought that I remembered he did, he still hurt my sisters very badly, and was so very scary. So still, how can I treat him as well as I do?? I hate me so much, I wish that I was different.

I was so sure a few years ago that my father sexually abused me, I mean I had flashbacks of it. I just knew, at the time I was not associating with him at all. He was always abusive, that I did not forget. He was physically and emotionally abusive, and I always remember him saying inappropriate things to me in a sexual nature, well not necessarily sexual, but commenting inappropriately to me, making me feel uncomfortable. There are certain things that I have always remembered, and felt with him. But never the actual physical sexual abuse, him touching me and so on. That is something I had wondered about just because of the way I felt around him, but would brush off as soon as it came up as, "He wouldn't do that. He would do that, lose his temper and get violent, but he wouldn't do sexual stuff, he just couldn't" Then I had these intense flashbacks during months at a time that made me know without a reasonable doubt that he sexually abused me.

I don't have flashbacks anymore, I try not to think about it anymore. Now I see him often, and he acts different than he used to. There are still old parts of him that I see, but then when I am with him, I think that there is no way that he did what I remember, that I must be wrong. There has been a couple of things that he has done, comments that he has made that I didn't like, but then I think maybe I am overreacting? It is easy to think that when I am not allowing myself to think of the actual incidents of abuse. Still, puzzle pieces seem to fit together of things I do remember, but he didn't do it to my sisters. I don't know. I am so unsure. I wish that I could know without a doubt, and at one time I did, but now that I am spending more time with him, I am thinking that maybe I was wrong. What does that say about me though, if I was wrong?! I am crazy.

If I am not wrong, how can I want a relationship with him and treat him like I do? That is sick, why would I spend time with him, feel sorry for him, feel like I should be there for him, and let him know that I love him?" That is sick if he did sexually abuse me, how can I even not know for sure? I really think that I am crazy sometimes. How can I not know? Why am I like I am around him? My sister says that I baby him, she has so much anger and hatred towards him, and it is so obvious, and here I am treating him good and 'babying' him as she says, which I don't see myself doing, but what if he did? What is wrong with me??!!

She told my mother that I treat him better than I should, but then that I didn't live through what she and my sister lived through, the violence, the fights, but I was still there I saw it. I wish that I could hate him, I really do, but I can't. I hate this, I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that something is not right. I am the way I am because of things that happened when I was younger. I was raped, by another person, that I know, still those memories are even blurry, what if I am wrong about my dad? Just because I sometimes feel uncomfortable around him, just because of some things that he has said to me, did that make me come to a conclusion that he sexually abuse me when he did not??!! Did that make me have those flashbacks? Am I crazy?! I don't know anymore.

Then I wonder if I should just forget about it all, and say nothing happened, go on with my life, and forget it all. I have tried that though, I came to a conclusion a few months ago that I was just going to forget about what I think that my dad do, act like nothing happened, and continue to act normal around him. But then, I don't know.