Help
HE is responsible for what he does though, and anyone who wants to judge my choices can go right ahead. No one has walked in my shoes. I did the best I could. That's how I feel about it.
((((hugs))))
Tasha
Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
You didn't report it... Are you responsible if he does it again?
#1 Guest__*
Posted 06 November 2002 - 09:47 PM
Nope, I didn't report him or prosecute or take any legal measures to prevent him from doing this to any other child or anyone else at all. I didn't, and yes I have felt my share of guilt, for surely the monster didn't stop. I remember wishing at the time that I could do something to be sure he never hurt anyone else...but I didn't. I ran....the first chance I had, I up and ran as far away as I could, I got the #### away.
#3
Posted 07 November 2002 - 10:53 PM
When I tried to report they didn't listen. And I know I don't have the courage to try again. But I admire those that do go through with the legal process, and hope that someone is listening to their voices the way I wished they'd listen to mine.
I did feel guilty for a while, thinking that I should have tried harder, and not given up under pressure. But it would have been a crippling experience for me, it still is, in a way. So I did what I had to, in order to keep myself safe. And I know I'm not responsible for anything he chooses to do with his life. It's his decision, his crime, and his blame.
It's great if you can bring some a***ole to justice and prevent anyone else from getting hurt. But you have to take care of yourself first.
#4 Guest__*
Posted 08 January 2003 - 11:41 PM
"We are only responsible for our own choices. How then can it be that if he hurts someone again, it's our fault?"
As you said dear WE ARE RESPOSIBLE for our own choices, if our choice is to not prosecute then that in itself says we are taking care of ourselves. The first and foremost choice is to take care of ones being, i never prosecuted, does it bug me? Yes it does.
But my choice was not to. See our choice was taken away that minute, that hour, that day, that time, our lives changed, we had no choice.
See pain affects and affects and affects, pain is a scary thing. Especially when it is so #### traumatizing. Like this shit.
Is it our fault if one rapes or assaults again? #### no! It wasnt our choice to begin with, it will never be. No matter what. The rotten fuck that made his own decision to hurt, his own decision to fuck over, his own decision to rape, to assault, to abuse HIS choice, our MAIN thing for each SURVIVOR is to take care of oneself.
Compassion and love resides to those that are sadly hurt by the same #######, so what i do when i think that this may happend or may have already happend is when i am down and out know that they may be too, if there is a they. If i am happy hey maybe they are too.
If i am good and possibly they are not, keep whomever in my thoughts and prayers.
I tried to make sense, hope i didnt ramble on and on.
Take care.
#5 Guest__*
Posted 03 April 2003 - 07:06 PM
I did report it to the police, but I didn't really remember anything much about what happened. I think now I've started to deal with this whole mess. The more I remember, the more I think I'm not sure if reporting him is enough. I know the chances are it won't even get to court because he lives in another country (he was studying here for a year). The more I remember about how he terrorised me and how afraid I was, it makes it hard to make a decision. Last time I spoke to him (before I remembered all this stuff) he told me he had a girlfriend. I think that's what worries me most about the whole thing. I know what he's capable of, and I worry that by not taking this whole thing further I have left her in harms way.
#6 Guest__*
Posted 06 November 2002 - 07:33 PM
Hey Everyone:
First, some background info. Four years ago I was raped by the cousin of a good friend. It happened @ a wedding out of state & he was a cop. W/in two hours of being raped, I was on a plane home. I didn't report it. I told no one for weeks. I know part of the reason was b/c I was obviously traumatized. Another part was that he was related to my friend & we were both from diff states in a third state together. I'd been drinking, not to mention he WAS the law.
For a long time I struggled w/the guilt of thinking he'd hurt someone else. I think I have finally found some peace . I know that I am not responsible for his choices. I know I did what was right for me @ that time. I don't know if I'd make that same choice now, but it was my right. Ironically, it appears that my rapist raped someone two years before he raped me. I harbor no blame towards that woman he hurt.
Lately, I hear from so many women that they are consumed by guilt for not reporting it or for dropping the charges b/c they don't want to go through the #### of a trial. If it even got that far. Rather than focusing on themselves & their healing, they are filled w/the fear that they will be responsible for someone elses choice.
I have the utmost respect & admiration for those of you who spoke up & did prosecute. I "wish" things had been diff for me & for many of us. But they weren't.
I hear all the time that it's our responsiblity to stop them from raping again. That goes against therapy #101. We are only responsible for our own choices. How then can it be that if he hurts someone again, it's our fault?
Jackie
Thanks for listening to my rant!
#7 Guest__*
Posted 07 November 2002 - 12:58 AM
I really respect anyone who goes through the legal process of reporting a rape, and I think that wanting to help stop your attacker can be a powerful motivating factor for putting yourself through that.
But is it your fault if your attacker hurts someone else? Not at all. Because even if you do report it, he/she might have already hurt someone else, or he/she may have hurt someone before, etc etc etc. We are not responsible for someone else's actions. Your attacker was the one who made the decision to rape. Not you. You can't take on that blame.
I made the decision to report partially in the hope that maybe they'd catch him, maybe he wouldn't do it again. And the fact they never found him haunts me (especially considering I did a little research after my laughable reporting experience, and *I* found the guy, and I know he lives in a province where the legal drinking age is just 18. He got me weeks after I turned 19. He goes for barely legal, inexperienced, naive girls. I know he raped again. That kills me inside. Could I have stopped him though? Am I responsible? No. He's responsible.)
Anyhow... The way I finally stopped feeling guilty, was when I turned the table. I thought - what about any of the survivors he raped before me? Did they owe it to me to "stop" him before he got to me?
No.
I don't want them feeling bad. I just hope they're okay. That they've managed to pick up their lives, and heal, like I'm learning to do. If I ever met one, I'd hug her, I'd cry with her - I'd never, ever, ever be angry with her or blame her or even think to ask if she ever tried to report it. That wasn't her job - her job was to take care of herself.
#8 Guest_Lucia_*
Posted 07 November 2002 - 11:34 AM
in case anyone was disagreeing w/ my response: ( or maybe i just take things too personal)
i never said i blamed myself, i said i'd feel guilty; which is what this post began as.
and when i was referring to 'them', as in any blame i put elsewhere takes the blame from 'them', i meant my r*pists, not the previous victims.
i agree it's the r*pists fault for r*ping, not the other females who let them go.
i also made it clear, that i wasn't judging anyone decisions, incase that was mislead.
#9
Posted 07 November 2002 - 08:26 PM
Lucia,
Of course that wasn't directed towards you!
I just felt that Anna eloquently spoke, darlin'.
<i>any blame i take and put on someone else, takes the blame off 'them', and they are the ones at fault. </i>
And you spoke eloquently as well.
Hugs,
Jes
#10
Posted 16 November 2002 - 01:50 PM
I think its both, you are and are not responsible. Your not responsible for the actions of others, ie the rapist, you don’t control their behavior.
But on the other hand keeping silent stops any potential action to prevent further events. Even if law and justice are ineffective, reporting releases you from the responsibility, you’ve done your part and the result is out of your hands. So either way it goes if the step to report or tell is not taken there is no further result.
Anyway this is way I think about it intellectually as an adult. Its a whole another thing as a victim and I totally was lost in the feelings of shame, needing to hide, to keep secrets, that is was my fault and I deserved it and it doesn’t matter what happened to me I didn’t have any strength or power. This was true for both the date rapes, it never occurred to me to tell and for the gang rape when I was 15, that was a total secret.
My grownup self is ashamed I didn’t report, didn’t help prevent further rapes, my feeling self still tells me to shut up and don’t tell…
I don’t think any of us can win on this one, you're damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Is all bad.
Hugs, Kala
#11
Posted 09 January 2003 - 09:21 PM
I didn't report it. I wish I would have now, because I live in a new place so he can't find me or my daughter. But then I think of my mom and my grandma and I realize that I still have to protect them. And I still work where I worked then so I would still be frightened.
The worst part is my mom has such a big issue with the fact that I didn't go to the police. And I was protecting HER! I mean, yeah, others, too, but she was one of the people. She has this idea that I should have filed a restraining order long ago. Lots of people have told me that. Sometimes I want to scream, "He's a r*pist! Do you really think he gives two sh*ts about law?" Grrrrr. I mean...okay...here's what would happen. I would get the restraining order, watch him walk right through it, and then call the cops(if I got that far), and wait for them while he hurts me or someone I love. Oh...okay...maybe he would finish the job though. Yeah, my family would all die, but gee....besides murder and r*pe they could get him on that good ole restraining order too...*sighs*. I DO think that it's a great thing when criminals are punished, but sometimes, depending on the situation, it is so much easier to deal with the guilt of the 'what ifs' than the fear of punishment for speaking out.
#12 Guest__*
Posted 29 April 2003 - 09:44 PM
I told my dad that his best friend molested me right after he did it (I was 15) my dad's response: "Do you mind if I'm still friends with him?" What!!!!!! Well, my dad did nothing about it and it came out a few years later that he had been incesting his daughter from the time she was born till a few years after he molested me.
Just think if the highly intelligent adults that were suppose to be protecting us actually listened and did something. His daughter would not of had to go through those last few years with her dad.
Do I feel guilty? Yes. Am I mad that nothing was done about it? Yes. Do I think most of the blame should go on the molester and then my dad, mom, step-mom, the molester's wife (she called me a horror and a lot of other lovely names, and said I asked for it.) Yes, Yes, Yes!!! But, I know that they all have to live with the guilt of not doing anything when they found out about me. I must say though I am VERY, VERY, VERY ANGRY that nothing was done about my pain and that my dad continued to make me see him (the molester). Thanks dad (me, being very sarcastic)
I still have to see the molester's wife because she is still my wicked step-mother's best friend.
Casper
#13 Guest_she breathes_*
Posted 26 June 2003 - 01:35 AM
i deal with a lot of guilt because my grandfather who abused me still sees my cousins and i know he does it to them (emotionally) and i don't know what to do.
#14 Guest__*
Posted 06 November 2002 - 08:26 PM
People can be really clueless.
How dare they have the gall to blame the victim for something they had no control over.
(Edited by Dart at 7:31 pm on Nov. 6, 2002)
