my brother molested me when i was 12. i remember promising myself i would never foget. i went to my mom's room. i could hear her snoring. i stood in her doorway thinking of what she would say. would she believe me? i couldn't wake her. i wrote a letter in blue crayon. i gave every detail. i put it on the coffee pot for her to find and i sat in my little sisters bed until i heard my dads alarm go off. immediately panic set in. i couldn't do it. i couldn't tell. i ran to the kitchen and stuffed the note in the bottom of the trash.
a year later i started cutting. it grew from a release to an obsession very quickly. i remember a point where i had probably 300 fresh cuts on one leg. it was an addiction. i grew in my depression until my sophomore year when i found vicaden and marijuana. once i was high i was numb. i still cut myself daily but mostly to feel pain. i didn't have the gushing outpour of emotion to make it more violent.
it was around then that i started having very twisted fantasies. i graduated high school and moved away. then i lost my virginity to a middle aged man in a drunken one night stand. once i lost my virginity i gave up cutting and i submerged myself into promescuity. in 3 years i lost count of how many partners i had had. in all my experiences i was a submissive. i catered to his needs and was "punished" if i enjoyed it.
there was a point when i slept with people to get weed. i was chasing the numb.
when reality hit it hit with a vengeance. i was alone in a city i didn't know. i had no money and i was sleeping in my car. and i had done it to myself.
i called my mom. she was broke too. not to mention in another state. she couldn't help.
i realised my choices had led me to that 8 story casino parking garage. i didn't want that life anymore. i wanted out.
i was on the top level looking down thinking about my life. i knew there was no choice. i wouldn't live like this anymore. when i was gaining my courage my mom called me. 300 dollars appeared in her account minutes after we talked. she transferred it to me and brought me home. she got me a job with her. and that's where i met him. the man that changed my life....