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Heart ache

Posted by Shani , 24 March 2014 · 146 views

Why is it that when I lay here and find myself thinking about you, all I can think about is the good things I miss when there were so many more bad things?

You were so possessive, controlling, angry and manipulative. I remember that it got to the point where I would sit in my car for a while after I finished work because I just didn’t want to go home to you. I remember going into the bathroom and crying after we had sex because I just didn’t want to look at you anymore. You were such an ugly person and it was such an unhealthy relationship in the end, I am so thankful I got out of that. So why do I keep torturing myself with happy memories of you?

You have taken so much from me. So much. I hate you with every piece of myself and I hate myself for ever believing I loved you.

I know you’re a bad person. I know I have done the right thing. Why do I feel my heart aching?

Why do I keep remembering high school and the jam sessions we had in spare class? Why do I keep remembering playing tag on your deck when we were 14? Why do I keep remembering going to sideshow alley and you helping me fix my hair after a crappy ride? 

We were the best of friends. I remember when you let me wax your stomach for fun and then you started chasing me around the house with the wax strips. We were laughing all night. We always did that, just laughed together. About nothing and about everything. You used to make me laugh so much and I don’t understand where that person went.

It breaks my heart because it feels like you died. The person I knew would frown upon the person you are now.

I still can’t get my head around the fact that that same person could hurt me like that and just treat it like a joke.

I cannot believe that I am actually sending you to jail.

My best friend. My first love. Or so I thought.

Who are you? Was any of it real?

Mar 24 2014 11:25 AM

wow I can so relate to this. no words just sitting with you if ok.

Oh this is so painful to read. I'm so sorry. It makes sense to me that you would have a lot to grieve. You have lost someone - the person you loved, your friend. And you are not sending them to jail - the courts are sending them to jail. The person who hurt you, did something themselves that society punishes in this way, both to recognise the severity of what it is, the damage it causes, and to protect others. :metoyou:

July 2016

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