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Suicidal thoughts.

Posted by Shani , 24 December 2013 · 158 views

People look at me with disgust, like it's my fault this all happened. Like it's a total overreaction. Like I'm a horrible person for having my ex boyfriend charged and probably sent to jail.
People, that I thought were my friends.
 
I feel so alone I can feel my heart actually aching. How can people be so cruel? As if being raped and having to go to trial isn't bad enough. Do people think I am enjoying this? Do people think I enjoy having half the town hate my guts? 
 
Do people think I enjoy waking up every morning to this? This time last year I thought I was in love, I thought I had found someone who truly, deeply loved me. I thought he was my best friend and I never thought he would ever do something to harm me. That all seems like a lifetime ago now.
 
I just don't understand how people can be so naive. I guess it's easier to believe that I'm just some crazy skank that had too much to drink and cried rape rather than the alternative, that he is actually guilty.
Police don't usually charge people based on no evidence, if I am lying why was he charged? If I am lying why did he admit to it, to more than one person, on more than one occasion? 
What did I do to deserve being treated like the criminal in all of this?
 
I am getting to the point now where I usually spend 90% of my day thinking about why I shouldn't just go and kill myself.
I no longer have any self worth. No drive. No desire to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate myself so much I just want the pain to go away.



im so sorry people are treating you this way, i understan the horrible, undearable pain

You are right. You are intelligent. You are strong. This is not your fault. It is his. You know this. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve so much better treatment. Give yourself the better treatment. You survived. You are worth a lot more than you realize. I know its hard to believe, but try. I'm sitting with you, if you like.

Be proud and stand strong. You stood up for your rights, you spoke out against the wickedness that was done to you, and like you said he was charged. You succeeded in making the people that mattered hear and believe you. No reason to feel like something is wrong with you, because ignorant people, who have no idea what it feels like, think they can judge you for whatever reason. Do not let them get to you. Hold your head high, even though there are tears in your eyes. And just keep right on living. I have no idea who you are, but I know you are worth alot, and you do not deserve the pain. But keep holding on; against all odds, because you have proven you are strong by speaking the truth infront of so many people in court. Do not give up. I am sending you all my support. Safe hugs. Eve

We live in a society where we're taught 'don't get raped' instead of 'don't rape'.

Stay strong.

People can be cruel and they're the ones who should feel bad about themselves for judging a situation that is none of their business and one that they obviously aren't educated on.

December 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.