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obsession maybe?

Posted by bellachai , 07 December 2013 · 279 views


My daughter thinks I am obsessing about all things to do with CSA and SA. She says she does not know why anyone would want talk and/or read about those things. It seems to her one would rather forget it all. My reply is always the same; had I told someone what happened to me when it happened I would not be in the physical condition that I am now not to even mention all the healing therapy I have gone through. Who knows what I might have achieved in my life if I had not had all my false beliefs delusions. Maybe by telling I would have halted another child or person from being abused. Maybe I would have met prince charming and living now in love for ever after. I always have felt something missing in my life and I think it is pure honest unconditional love. I have never experienced that and now being disabled I never will. I would not wish my life on anyone except the abusers in this world. Who knows?

I do get google alerts on sexual abuse news around the world. I get a strange satisfaction when I read the sentencing of these predators. I say everytime 'one more bites the dust'. even if it is for little while. I do not know why society has not learned yet that pediphiles cannot be rehabilitated therefore once caught should not be allowed to enter society ever again. All the years in prison they probably think about about all their next victims It is all they live for.

I watched the sentencing of one evil person. The child, now a woman addressed the court stating how what happened to her at the hands of this evil person ruined her life and that she is still in therapy. While the Judge was speaking he also said to the evil person that his behavior and what he did ruined this person's life then sentenced him to 7 years in jail. When does 7 years equal an entire life. For ruining this brave woman's life he has to only give up 7 years of his life. Does no one get it? That 7 years may be worth the sacrifice to abuse again when he gets out? It may be worth it to all predators. They even may decide to hide detection by murdering their targets to avoid another stay in prison.

The last few years it seems to me that the whole world has finally gone on a witch/devil hunt to bring them all to some kind of justice. It's about time too. I am not surprised they are finding these evil persons in our places of worship, our colleges, our schools, military, government, the boy scouts, activity centers for the youth, sports. Our children have not and are still not safe from these evil persons.

Thinking about all this and I have wondered how many I have encountered in my life that did not abuse me. In High School I remember a very sad and shy person and she was absent a lot. Someone told me her father beats her. If he marked her up she had to stay home til the bruises healed. Back then no one was by law required to report abuse. So too many people that knew chose to not stick their noses in others abusive ways to save one child from a life of sadness.

Then I remembered a couple of things that caused me to think "WOW that is just wrong"!!!

When my sister was 14 she wanted to go live with my father and his wife and two stepbrother's (my mother and father remarried each other when I was 18). Just before she left she told me she was having an 'affair' with the married man she babysat for. I am only assuming that she was moving in with my dad cuz this guy would not leave his wife for her. What was she thinking she was only 14. I should have told but I didn't and I don't know why I didn't tell my mother. But hey mom set a great example of having an affair of her own with a married Doctor for seven years. I think my sister would have been punished but so would have the man at least his marriage would be damaged. My sister has been so messed up since the evil stepfather CSA her when she was 11. If I had been with her he would not have touched her cuz it was me he hated and loved to abuse so I have always felt kinda guilty for that.

Then I remember something else. My mother and grandmother used the same mechanic for their cars for years. This man owned his own shop and he told my mother that one of his employees would like to date me if it was alright with her and me. Since my mother and grandmother have known the owner for years my mother trusted his judgement. So I went on this blind date. We were suppose to go to dinner then a movie. He immediately drove me to is home which he rented with another guy. That guy was not there. He said that we had some time and he would like to get to know me better and we could chat for awhile in his livingroom. My gut said 'no' but I was stupid and went inside.

At first it seemed as if he was sincere and talking with him did not set off any alarms and I was relieved as he asked questions and seemed interested in what I had to say. Then after 20 minutes he tells me that for some reason when he is interested in a girl he has to have sex with her early in the relationship because he loses interest in that girl. He voice changed while saying this idiotic statement and he at that point also looked menacing. I was instantly afraid. He grabbed my arm and walked me into his bedroom. I should have ran out of the house but again I was afraid.

His bedroom was messy and dirty. There were clothes all over the unmade bed. I can still recall the smell of his dirty sheets. It did not take him long and we were dressed again I asked him to take me home. He did thank God. When I got home my grandmother and my mother were asleep. I went in the bathroom and (sorry to be kind of gross)when I wiped the rubber was on the toilet paper. I started to cry and cried through my very hot shower. I felt so dirty and knew I would be worrying if I was going to end up pregnant.

I only told my mother and grandmother I did not like him. He called me the next day and I told my mother I would not speak to him so she told him not to call me again. This guy was 27 years old and I was 16. My mother knew how old he was. What mother would set up a blind date for their 16 year old daughter with a man that was 9 years older. They did have laws back then for statuary rape. If I told perhaps he would have been thrown in jail.

Two weeks later the owner of the car repair place told my mother that that "nice" man working for him was sent to a mental hospital (reason unknown)not working for him anymore.

Dec 07 2013 11:47 PM



I am so sorry you had to go through that.

I don't think it's obsessive but then again...what do i know.

Actually think its really cool how you stay updated in the world.

The fact that you dive into exploring this and your own experiences

that is remarkable and inspiring. 

I think that takes a lot of strength and courage.


I opened up to a friend once about some of my thoughts on SA and things and I got the response you did. Forget about it.

and since then i tried to. so many years.

but then i think i realized kinda what you have.

that it could potentially cause more harm to not think/talk about it.


I wish your mom wouldn't have set you up on that date with such an awful older man. I wish she would have been there for you, to nurture you and hold you when you were in so much pain/agony.


I also really wish you didn't feel guilty for the SA that happened to your sister. My sister probably feels the same way but the truth is, I don't think either of you is to blame. its them. 


i kno you don't feel like that unconditional love will ever find you but i wanted to say i hope thats not true. because you are so amazing and wonderful. and for the world to miss out on you, well, that would be completely tragic. 



You are so kind (((MissBlueEyes))). Thank you so much
Dec 08 2013 06:59 PM

Bella, I'm sorry you went through all that... I did not know the part of your story about the "blind date" and I am sorry anyone would think to put you in that position. I think it is a fine line between being informed about issues that are important to you and doing enough thinking about your personal issues to heal, and developing an unhealthy obsession that crowds out some of your ability to engage with the part of life you do still get to live out and enjoy despite the difficulties. But, I don't think your daughter is really the one who is qualified to judge that. Short of a mental health professional who knows you as an individual, I would say you are probably the best authority on this. If you're honest with yourself you probably know how keeping up with these stories effects you. If it's a positive overall, keep going. If it's too much, cut back. Your daughter hasn't had to experience the things you have and more to the point is not you. She probably means well in saying these things but she has no way of truly knowing what will heal you best.

To be honest I don't think my family is very helpful with any of my physical and mental issues.  It feels like they want to pretend none of it exists.  I don't know if it is because they hate the thoughts of what happened to me or if I am just an inconvenience to them.  Right now it is all confusing to me.


I spend more time reading current events which is just as depressing sometimes.  If I feel I need to focus on myself I won't read anything for a day or two.  You are right both my mother and my daughter did not have such experiences so their opinions are sort of empty for me.


Thank you for your comments  I appreciate your thoughts and caring.



short on words at moment...but i read this...and i love you. and i'm sorry for all of it. everything.


this is all i have at moment:


a lot of survivors watch law and order svu. i do on and off. i know when it's too much and stay away. but there is a sense of safety and satisfaction at seeing the bad guys put away in prison. which hasn't happened in my life. my t says we are drawn to what we know, what we've experienced. it makes sense to me that you follow the news like that (i can't do that anymore)...but yeah, when feeling vulnerable maybe best to take a break from it as it can be traumatising.

Thank you (((Pink))). I love you too, bunches. As always you get me. Hoping you are taking good care of you.

July 2016

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