Pandora's Aquarium: waiting for the miracle - Pandora's Aquarium

This reminds of a song by Leonard Cohen. So much of his music takes my breath away, in the sense that it gets me in the stomach. I really feel, deep down, all the way to me toes. Not the shallow breathing that the abuse taught. Music often allows me to inhabit my body, if only for a few moments. And, this is what I must learn to do because I need to lose weight. And, I don't want this to be one more punitive exercise. One more reason to hate myself.......I let myself get overweight, big, fat, ugly...all those self berating statements slam me in the head. These are familiar. I have been living with this negativity since I was a child. I took in every negative thing that my parents said about me and I made it my own.

It is time to cast them out. The voices, the parents from my head. I need this miracle to happen. I know that it is not a one time, take this pill and it is all over type of thing. Although, I have to admit, I wish it was. I am tired of fighting and going to counselling, doing expressive art etc. I am just damn tired. But, I want to be healthy. I deserve to have a body that is happy and free. And, if I can only say this once, here, anonymously...I just want to tell my body thank you for surviving all the abuse....the sexual, physical and even the emotional. Yes, my mind shattered into many different people. But, I am proud of all of us. I am proud of the fact that we survived. The body is in its forties and it is still working! I still have eyes and hands and two legs that can carry me around. I can still feel the softness of my cat as I cradle him in my arms. yes, there is so much loss. But, I am no longer waiting for the miracle. I am going to make it happen.