From: My attacker had a heart attack today...conflicted

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From: My attacker had a heart attack today...conflicted

15 June 2012

Posted by SerenitySky

My main abuser was my brother from my earliest memories until about the age of 13. My mother doesn't know about this because it would kill her. Today she told me that my brother was in the hospital because he had a heart attack. I don't care. I feel like I should because he's my brother, but instead I was blank. I faked concern for my mother's sake, but I don't care if he lives or dies. I hate him. Basically, I feel bad because I don't feel bad. Kind of like my feelings toward my biological father. He beat and molested me as a child, although I don't really remember the sexual abuse much. I grieve because I'll never have that father daughter relationship or little sister big brother relationship, but beyond that, I hate them. I feel like I'm a horrible person for feeling this way. I either feel anger toward them or sadness and disgust with myself before I shut down completely. I feel awful because I try to be a good person who doesn't hold grudges, but I can't change toward them. I feel like I'm a monster too.

Source: My attacker had a heart attack today...conflicted

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5 Comments On This Entry

You're not a horrible person, the feelings you describe sound completely natural. And you're certainly not a monster.

My uncle, who was my main abuser, has been suffering poor health recently. I'm normally a very compassionate person, but in his case I don't feel sorry for him at all. The way I feel about it is that the day he finally passes on, the world will be a better place, a safer place.

I understand what you mean about not getting to have normal family relationships, I don't get to have those either.

I hope things get better for you soon. Sending you positive energy.

Irishleo, 15 June 2012 - 06:41 AM

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If I were in your shoes I would feel the same way, but without the guilt. You were betrayed, and hurt in the worst possible way. You are not a bad person for not caring what happens to them. You are NOT a monster. They are the monsters. They are the ones who did the worst things one human being could do to another. I hope that with time you can let go of the guilt and see that you are not the bad person here.

Untangling-It-All, 15 June 2012 - 06:52 AM

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One of my abusers died over 14 years ago the other now has lung cancer 1st stage and I am glad yet I shouldn't feel that way, he is human even though he is a creep. So I do understand your conflictions. Take care.

youdontdefineme, 15 June 2012 - 07:27 AM

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I think your response to your brother is perfectly understandable. I was abused in different ways by my parents and I have no desire to speak with them. I think that society tells us that we need to love family members and if we don't there is something wrong with us. I think if society knew what happened they too would feel that we do not need to have any concern for the prep. You are not a horrible person for feeling the way you do and you are certainly not a monster. I think that, except for those in Pandy's, the rest of the world has trouble understanding that love goes away with abuse. It is not holding a grudge. It is protecting ourselves and being honest with the fact that that is a person that I simply do not care about. To me/you they are nothing more than a total stranger that we have no desire to get to know.
I hope that you find peace within yourself.

ash612, 15 June 2012 - 02:57 PM

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The true evil dwells within your abusers not you. When evil is wounded or destroyed the world is a better place. The guilt of the evil they imposed on you is theirs to own. Not you. If they are dead or suffering it is what they deserve.

You have every right to grieve for the father and brother you never had. Your father and brother do not deserve you in their life.

Trash the guilt because their guilt is trash.

Take good care of you. Many blessings.

bellachai, 15 June 2012 - 04:06 PM