Pandora's Aquarium: My mother, again - Pandora's Aquarium

My sister really loves watching Law & Order: SVU. If you're familiar at all with this show, which you probably are, then you know it usually features stories about pedophiles. Tonight on one of the episodes two therapists were talking and one said something about only being able to listen to a father talk about his fantasies about his 2 month old daughter so many times. I've learned to block this stuff out and completely dissasociate when I'm around other people, mostly. But after hearing that, my sister said, "That's sick." My mother then said, "Yeah, especially on a baby." My first thought was, as if it's for anyone?

My second thought was complete disgust towards my mother. I find it amazing that she watches shows like this and shows concern for victims and disgust for the abusers but when it happened in real life she completely denied its existence. I get so mad and hurt when she says things like this. Things like that she would kill a guy if he ever did that to us. But guess what when it was happening she wouldn't listen to my stepfather's daughter's warnings.She didn't leave him the one time he tried to do it to my sister but she, thankfully, told. I love how she always clams up and changes the subject on the few times my grandmother has brought that up. And I don't want to even get started about my grandmother right now She didn't believe when he did do it and was put in prison for doing it to my cousin. She never even asked me if it was happening. . It was all about her, how her life had been ruined. It did happen in real life and she didn't see it. She didn't see the signs and their were so many. She didn't want to see it because that's how my mother is, if she doesn't like what's happening she denies reality.

I know it's not exactly fair to feel this way sense I never told my mother about it happening to me. But I know my mother and if I ever did she would first make it all about her then would go back to pretending nothing ever happened. It's who she is, she can't handle anything. I know I've said all this before but I just can't get over it. I can't stand to listen to her talk about what she would have done, when she didn't do anything. I just want to scream at her. It just hurts that she tries to make herself out to be this heroic mother when that's never what she's been. It hurts because when she says these things I feel like she's denying my experience or saying it never happened. I mean I know I've never told her but how could she not know? I feel like she has to know deep down on some level. I just can't believe that anyone could really be that blind.

Sorry for ranting about this again. I just needeed to get it out.