From: I'm going to be sick
She said that when I was little she remembered finding my underwear on the floor like I had just took them off and left them there. Then she picked them up and saw a little bit of blood in it. Then she said she checked my backside to see if perhaps I had been picking at a scab and... she didn't find any scab there.
I told her "I-I always thought that there was some bloody underwear..." my tears started welling up with tears and then, I don't know what compelled me to do so, but I admitted to her that I remembered my abuser putting his fingers inside of me.
Then she asked me if I remembered at all what he looked like and I just froze. I don't remember who he was or what he looked like but I felt really scared when she asked that question, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Now that I think back, that could have been because I subconsciously remembered him telling me that if I ever told anyone that he would kill me. Maybe his threat makes me scared to even hear that question, let alone answer it with '"I don't know." Maybe that's why I can't remember his face...
Just remembering this whole thing is making me feel afraid, like I'm going to start sobbing, and like I'm going to throw up. I want so badly to talk to my T but she's on leave, and I don't want to make my mom feel any sadder. Not only that, but it makes me very scared to talk about what happened to me. I feel like someone is going to call me a liar, find me repulsive, or convince me that it was all my fault. :bawling:/>
I guess I wouldn't blame them for thinking that about me, though. I make myself sick thinking about those sick things I did with my abuser and with myself when I was in private... why should anyone else think different of me?
Source: I'm going to be sick