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This is why I don't talk! Trigger Warning

Posted by tamz , 16 January 2013 · 112 views

Mention of the abuse and negative things people have said in response, please take very good care if reading this. I can't handle it so I don't expect you to either.

So something really triggering happened today and I ended up thinking about everything, about people's responses to everything. Not just the abuse, but other things too. And I realised, this is why I don't talk

(now ex (was my bf for 4yrs)) Boyfriend's response to me randomly bursting into tears about the traumatic death of someone I knew - "if this is what you're like now, I'd hate to see what you're like when a family member dies, I don't want to be around you then"

(most recent ex) boyfriend upon me stressing out about whether I'd get on to my masters course (which by the way I am now on) - "well you're obviously not capable of doing it then"

Friend's response to me opening up about the r*pe by my ex boyfriend - to abuse my trust and sexually assault me

My Mum's response to the abuse by my friend - "what made you think about it now, has he text you, phoned you, what??" (just couldn't understand I'd been an emotional wreck the past 3months
"well he didn't r*pe you... so what's the problem??"

Mum's response to 4yr long abusive relationship - "well why didn't you just leave him then?" (as if I don't ask myself that all the time!)

Dad's response to finding out I'd consensually slept with my boyfriend - "I don't want him anywhere near me, if he comes near the house I'll break his f*cking legs!"

vs Dad's response to finding out I was r*ped by the same guy as well as assaulted by my best friend - absolutely bugger all, he said nothing at all, just sat in silence (at the same time as my Mum's response)

Doctor's response to me telling him about the abuse by my friend and subsequently feeling shite - "oh... I see you were on the pill... you were together then?" Umm no! I was on the pill for my freaking periods you tw*t. "Oh... but it says you're on the pill, so you were together then??" Ugh, tried explaining numerous times that no we were NOT together but he wasn't listening. He then went on to say "your acne's looking bad, would you like me to give you something for that??" didn't realise I had an issue with acne to be honest, had a few spots but nothing most 18yr olds don't have...

Police's response to me reporting abuse by my friend - "but you went to his house... you'd slept together before... you must have wanted it. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't have stayed there all night..." oh and "realistically, all he did was touch your boobs..." (as if that's nothing, not to mention the fact he was completely naked on top of me, I can't even write what happened next :( )

Most recent friend's response to me telling him my issues - "well I think it would help if we did it and then you can get over your issues." And then went on to pester me for the entire night, telling me how much he wanted to lose his virginity to me and how it didn't have to be all the way, just anything would do, because after all, "you've been violated, I haven't even had anything. At least you've had something" And then after I told him to leave, he hasn't spoken to me since, even though I've tried reaching out, although I'm not sure why I even bothered! But it honestly makes me feel like I'm in the wrong with him ignoring me!

So yeah, I think I've decided never to open up to anyone else again. I mean, would you?? Just had it! :bawling:

I can perfectly well understand that you don't want to open up when you've been "burned" so many times before! Just going through one of those experiences must've been dreadful, can't imagine what it must've been like to "hit the wall" again and again :( . I admire your courage to keep trying, though. Lots of people would've given up after the first blow.

I hope that at some point in the future you'll find someone you can open up to, and trust, and lean on. You deserve it!

Safe hugs if okay
Jan 16 2013 06:39 PM
Read through and having faced some of the same responses, I know it is SO disheartening, and absolutely heartbreaking after something so traumatic and hurtful already was so painful you know? It's definitely secondary wounding and it's not fair you had to experience that. I've had similar with male friends and it's an absolutely disgusting response, to want to take advantage of you more for what happened to you. I hope you can cut contact with that friend and keep yourself safe, it's why I had to lose a lot of male friends but it was worth it, to be safe from it.

I don't know if this will be comforting but for the times I've had my trust and my disclosure betrayed like this, I've also found many supportive and caring people too, especially amongst other survivors here online or in places like group therapy. Perhaps looking into a group therapy if there is one available to you and when you feel ready might be a good place to relearn trust?

However that takes time, and it's totally understandable you've feel you've had it. People can be so cruel, and you deserve to be treated with care and respect, not responded to like this, especially by people who are supposed to care about you. Good thoughts your way and hope you can keep talking about it here if it helps to get it off your chest, and definitely listening through how awful it is. I really hope you can take care of yourself and find much safer people to talk with about it all in the future :metoyou:

content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

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