Anniversary came and went and I thought of my progress NOT HIM
They were celebratory anniversaries in a sense but they also signified the start of a long healing process. August 14 was the 5 year anniversary of my step fathers conviction or aggravated SA of a child...August 24 was the 6 year anniversary of his arrest for the same.
I thought about it on the day I posted it here but then something strange happened. I did not think about what those days meant to me until a day after they were both gone.
I know some would think those days should be purely happy but that was not the case for me. They were victorious and helpful in my healing and believe me I am so happy I was able to do what I did to make those days possible. They were the end of a period of pain and fear for the little girl inside me, but they were the start of a more painful downward spiral. It took that downward spiral to actually heal, it took the spiral for me to wake from my own grief.
I was silly in thinking all it would take is the conviction to make me feel better. That did help for a while, and honestly still does. But I thought that once he was arrested and then convicted all of it would be over. In reality that is when the battle began, the battle to bring myself back from the brink.
I was so naive then but am much wiser now. I know that just because it took me years to get to the point that I could press charges that did not mean there would not be many more years until I 'normalized' a bit. I know even as I feel so much better than I did then, even as I feel much more healed today that there is still work to be done. There will be stumbles along the way and there will be times that I think to myself 'haven't I done this already?' I am a work in progress, but I also know the worst is over.
I no longer have to live with the fear I used to. I know that my biggest battle is over and that I won it. I know since conquering what I consider to be my worst enemy I have had the time to spend on me and my healing.
My world is once again mine and no longer his. My sanity, safety and security are all under my control no longer his. It is finally time for me to live for me, not living to dodge him and his attacks and warped mind.
I have learned it is okay to trust, though it is not automatically given. Those that have my trust have earned it. I also know that not only is it okay to love someone, but someone worthy of my love will love me back. The love of my life has been so essential to my healing and me learning to open up.
He has taught me there is beauty in a REAL man's heart and so much beauty in my own. That everything I have gotten past is something to be proud of not to be hidden from view...for if you hide where you have come from, you hide your accomplishments. He has taught me that while men hurt me before, they were not 'real' men. That a real man would cherish me as he does. He is my best friend and will celebrate with me when life is what I want it to be, but he is not afraid to point out when something is not okay...all the while reassuring me that he will always be here for and with me.
I owe most of my healing healing to the strength of my soul, but a lot of it was possible because of him too. I like the world where my abuser is not my first thought and most of what I see is the possibilities and beauties of the world. I have come so far and can finally say I am happy and okay.
My life is beautiful for once and it is about time.