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Its just going all wrong.

Posted by one.day. , in Rambles 21 November 2012 · 56 views

I can't seem to do anything right these days. My ex boyfriend and I are now on speaking terms. I know what he did was wrong and that I shouldn't go back. I have propally made things worse by keeping in contact but I can't cut him out. His mother rings asking how I am and that he loves me with all my heart. This makes things so hard. I try to explain what he has done and she too has me in doubt that it was me who treated him wrong. He tells me I am doing great, then I am hurting him by not being affection and then he tells me I need a therapist. Gosh, my head hurts.

I am sick of being belittled and shot down. This happens anyway but I don't need it on my internship. My lecturer fought for me to get the position back and I am worried she will see this as ungrateful. I feel like everyone must hate me. My part time job as singing in bars was doing ok. Then I freaked. I'm usually given a list of what to play and I was given a song my abuser would sing.

I'm feeling so lost and low. Angry and scared. I think sometimes I failed. When I get my s.I to stop, my eating habits get worse and vise versa. I had beer good for a while. So I guess there is hope.

When my therapist brought up the idea of me withdrawing from college for the semester, I was absolutely appalled at the idea. I had never failed a class and was going to graduate with honors in 8 weeks. How could I when I was so close? Without even realizing why, I found myself in my registrar's office filling out the withdraw forms a week later. What I realize now is that I was not listening to what my body was trying to tell me that it needed. I wasnt doing my homework, I was taking 3-4 hour naps a day and could barely make myself go to class once a week. On top of that I ended a marriage and could not find a job. My body was trying to tell me that I NEEDED to stop. I needed to focus on what was really going on inside of me and to listen. I can relate to what you are saying because at that point in my life I felt like an utter failure.

What I realize now is that I had to do that to get back up again. I was terrified of failure and thought of it as a death sentence. After some time I know a little bit more about myself. For me, it just felt better to let go and stop putting so much energy into stressing about these things. These things happening in life are healthy and maybe they need to happen. I hope each day gets easier for you and I want you to know that its ok to feel what you are feeling. You have every right to feel confused and its ok if you havent made up your mind about your ex yet. Its ok that you had a moment where you freaked out. I have had them and I am sure everyone on this site can say they have as well. They can be embarrassing but the right people in your life will always love you no matter what. I hope I have helped a little!
Oh Gosh, I know now what you meant about your body needing to stop. I have transferred my internship, well fingers crossed to something less stressful but I still seem to have piles of work. I sort of spoke to my tutor and she was lovely and has helped me fight to stay on the course and find somewhere new to live. Thank you, ms7355, that has given me hope and a lot of help. :metoyou:

May 2015

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