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Scared of falling apart again

Posted by beansy , 18 February 2013 · 74 views

I'm terrified of getting depressed again. It seems like it's just always around the corner. When I get depressed my memory and my cognitive skills are ridiculously lowered. This weekend I went to the *wrong* airport to pick up a friend, and then planned all week to take her to a market that was CLOSED when we arrived. That coupled with a bunch of embarrassing mistakes has me downspiralling into a well of self pity and confusion and despair.

A car almost hit me last night and the reaction in my head was "too bad". I was getting used to not feeling suicidal over the last few months. Now I have all these suicidal ideations again. It's not "When I get better", now it's just "It will only get better if I die."

I feel like such a failure. Such a failure of a person. I thought I was healing up, and now here I am falling apart. I feel like my head is just sick and I'll always struggle like this.

I had a dream last night that I found my passion. I felt what it was like to have a passion for something. It was illustrating in my dream. In my dream I had the drive and the desire to pursue it. And I woke up, and the passion was gone. I thought about how extremely useless I am. I feel hollowed out.

On top of that I feel envious of other people. I actually don't usually feel envious. I just accept that in some ways my life has been harder, and I'm sure it's the same for them. But my friends were discussing their parents and I just felt so sad in comparison, just a pathetic sad creature that couldn't convince her own parents to take care of her.

They just seem more intrinsically able to be loved. Like there's something in me that they had but I don't. Their parents *want* to take care of them, and they have to set boundaries with them. For me, my father phones me once a year for my birthday. It's hard not to just have a pity fest.

The stupidest part about this is I know that I'm just being a cry-baby. This doesn't help anything. It just hurts so much. :tear:

I really want to give you a safe hug right now, but this will have to do :hug:

I identify so strongly with what you wrote. It's so difficult to feel like nothing will change, that things will always be this way.

The words aren't coming tonight, and I'm really sorry for that. But just know that I hear you and you definitely aren't alone with this. With any of it. I wish that things get better for both of very soon, and that we're able to find hope, peace, and a sense of purpose.
:hug: thank you ~kim~.. I hope that for us too. :cuppa:
I'm sorry you're feeling down...

I've been thinking recently that as we heal and get more used to what that feels like, when we hit an inevitable low point the contrast is almost unbearable. We were 'used' to living in that way. Now we are not any more, when we return to it it is just too painful and overwhelming.

Your dream is WONDERFUL! I see you discovering your drive for life in that dream, your subconscious saying that you are going to find that.

I am sorry you feel so down compared with your friends. It may be that as you go just a little further you discover that although they have so much, few of them have the type of self knowledge you now have. You are you and wonderful for it. Family stuff is painful but you're going to be all right.

Thank you so much Susanna, your post really made me smile. :hug:

I agree, it is so hard to feel the same way that you felt you were leaving behind for good. It feels like backsliding. But I guess each time it happens I'm better equipped to deal with it. I at least know that is true. I know more than a few skills to help me through it now, where before I think I had almost none.

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