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I keep writing stuff and deleting it... I've been finding it really difficult to find the words to describe how I've been feeling as of late. I'm not even sure I know or understand how I feel anymore. Sometimes I feel like I have something important that I want or need to say, but I haven't got a clue what it is. It sort of feels like I'm suffocating, in a way. Like I need to let out a deep breath, but I can't. Whatever it is that's in there that wants to come out is stuck in my subconscious. I don't even know if I'm making any sense at all.
Things at work have been better. Well, actually they haven't, but I've gotten better at not letting it affect me as much. I've decided that I just don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I do my job the best that I can and I try to ignore all the negativity coming from the ignorant and arrogant administrators. I'm not taking it personally anymore, even though some of what's been said and done to me has been personal. I have no respect for them and the comments they make are just more evidence of how far up their respective asses their heads are.
Therapy has been going well. I just had my 10th session this week. It's been difficult at times, but I'm making more of an effort to be present and participate in the more uncomfortable discussions. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. I like my T. I feel pretty comfortable with her, but I'm still having trouble being completely honest with her. I'm not sure what's holding me back. I want to be honest and admit that I feel shame and embarrassment, but then that means explaining why I feel that way, which I don't think I'm ready to do. I just have to remember that it's been less than 3 months and I've already told her more than I did my last two Ts over 6 years of therapy.
I just want to be normal. I want to feel normal. I want to be feel comfortable being around other people and not always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I honestly don't know if that is ever going to happen. Truth is, I'm not like everyone else. I've had a different life experience and I see things from a different point of view, I guess. What I wouldn't give for a RESET button in life...
Things at work have been better. Well, actually they haven't, but I've gotten better at not letting it affect me as much. I've decided that I just don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I do my job the best that I can and I try to ignore all the negativity coming from the ignorant and arrogant administrators. I'm not taking it personally anymore, even though some of what's been said and done to me has been personal. I have no respect for them and the comments they make are just more evidence of how far up their respective asses their heads are.
Therapy has been going well. I just had my 10th session this week. It's been difficult at times, but I'm making more of an effort to be present and participate in the more uncomfortable discussions. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. I like my T. I feel pretty comfortable with her, but I'm still having trouble being completely honest with her. I'm not sure what's holding me back. I want to be honest and admit that I feel shame and embarrassment, but then that means explaining why I feel that way, which I don't think I'm ready to do. I just have to remember that it's been less than 3 months and I've already told her more than I did my last two Ts over 6 years of therapy.
I just want to be normal. I want to feel normal. I want to be feel comfortable being around other people and not always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I honestly don't know if that is ever going to happen. Truth is, I'm not like everyone else. I've had a different life experience and I see things from a different point of view, I guess. What I wouldn't give for a RESET button in life...
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this statement though, I just want to be normal. I want to feel normal. I want to be feel comfortable being around other people and not always feel like I'm on the outside looking in.... Thank you for words to something I have never been able to articulate.