sick again in a bad way
now the doctors are threatening with court order to make me go. i got a call and if i don't come in tomorrow, they will send me to state psych ward, which i know i will not come out of. either i fight and die, or they dope me up and contorl me. i don't get it. am i really crazy? why are they trying so hard to make me 'normal'. when they don't fucking listen?? the doctors feel there's some magic key to make me 'better' and that it's just a single event i can work through and boom cured.
they also want me to keep a journal to study. i told them i don't keep journals and there's nothing to study. since i don't fit their little textbook formulae they're sure there's something severely wrong with me. i keep telling those bastards i am not a series of symptoms. no one ever fits a label, a perfectly made box.
now i have no choice and it's really pissing me off. i swear, they're trying to punish me for being 'notoriously difficult'. like i told that new therapist, i will not be nice to her because i can see her fakery a mile away. she wants me to trust her and assures me she's understanding. you don't understand and you never will lady.
you can't understand what it's like growing up poor and brown in a city that's (still) racist and classist.
you can't understand what its like being told your religion is wrong, evil, backwards and that you're evil.
you can't understand what it's like being bullied for speaking differently (despite born and raised in same city) having a stutter on top of it all and being fairly smart.
you can't understand what it's like being hurt by people with more power than you and disbeleived by those who promise to help you.
you can't understand what it's like to live in fear of strangers and not making friends, because you never know who might hurt you for kicks or whatever sick reason they come up with
you can't understand what it's like having long stretches of insomnia (2 weeks at most) because of the constant nightmares, and having to drink coffee constantly to keep from passing out and getting chores done
you can't understand what it's like always hearing people putting you down almost all your life and being ignored and invalidated when you sincerely need help
of course you'll never understand behind your fake smile. you're one of the elite, being not brown, growing up in nice neighboorhood, going to nice school, having nice things and got a fancy degree. you don't understand the struggle. i had to struggle to get as far as i could. i'm still struggling. despite the abuse and the harship, i'm trying my damnest. and you will never ever understand.