So so so sad
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. It just sort of happened. It was an endless cycle of emotional abuse...I don't know. I would write more about it but I'm tired of explaining, of thinking about it. My friends and family were very happy when I told them, my co-workers gave me a round of applause. I guess I should trust them, they were the ones that saw the way he treated me.
For the first week after we broke up I felt manic, uncontrollably euphoric, powerful. I went out everynight, I couldn't sleep, I had so much energy. I think it was just knowing that I wouldn't have to have his negative energy and resentment weighing heavily on me everyday...everything I did all day was just for me and would not be judged by him...it was a freeing feeling. In that one week I actually accomplished several career goals I've had for years and have been afraid to try to do..so I guess that says a lot too...
I'm sad this week though. I guess it is normal. I have such amazing friends who are checking in with me and looking out for me...how do people break up? how do you let yourself get so close to another person and then boom they are gone from your life? I know its for the best, but its still very weird. And I feel so guilty. I miss the person he was when we first met, almost 6 yrs ago. I have to accept that people change. I've been chasing that person for years...he is not real and he was never coming back.
I spent so much time thnking about how to keep my boyfriend happy, how to be okay for him, how to stifle certain aspects of my life so that he wouldn't get mad at me (not that it worked anyway) ...those rituals were very numbing for me. That was all I had to focus on all day. It was like when I was really in the middle of my battle with an ED...I didn't have to feel anything, I didn't have to think about my abuse or whatever...I remember my first day in treatment I was so overwhelmed with emotions..and that is how I feel right now. I am sitting on my couch sobbing thinking about everything- not even my recent break up but my trauma, stuff from years ago, past abuser, past failures, it is all flooding in right now. And it is so hard. I feel like I can't even survive this tonight. I don't know what I need. If I wanted to I could call a friend right now but I just feel so stuck. How can I even explain this, it would not make sense to a normal person- "Hi I am falling apart because I broke up with my boyfriend and now all I can think of is every single failure and I can't stop flashbacks of sexual abuse that happened years before I even met this boyfriend and its all totally unrelated but its making me want to die please talk to me? " :/