in the pit...
Physically, and emotionally, I am a mess.
Torture comes to mind.
I had a session today. It was extremely hard. Dr K and I had a serious discussion about hosptilizaiton.
Some of my answers were...
Dr K: What would help? Me: Getting run over by a train.
Dr K: What would you like to do? Me: I wish I still had those pills. I would use them.
I saw my primary care doc yesterday. She has already made it clear, in a veiled way, that she thinks that most of my physical pain is in my head. Because I am a mental health patient. She alluded to that, and added that I should keep up with therapy, and going to group, and all of the other things I am doing along that line.
An xray I had done a couple of weeks ago on my back shows arthritis. Which I believe is a result of the lyme disease that she doesn't believe I have. So, yesterday, she told me my pain is nerve pain. And prescribed me gabapentin.
I agreed, hesitantly, to try it.
My back pain increased by 100%. I woke this morning, 11 hours after having taken the pill, feeling hung over, dizzy and nauseated.
Angry. Depressed. Anxious. Suicidal.
And I want to SI.
It took a matter of seconds for me to break down in Dr K's office.
And I haven't broken down like that in a long time, not even when I am alone with myself.
I don't know how I am going to crawl out of this pit.
I don't know if I can.
And I don't know if I want to.