Sad. Mad. Frustrated. Everything! Ugh! Just wonder if I am making up about the abuse from brother. I mean I find myself time to time even googling the word and when I come across a few of the "triggers," I answer yes to a few of them. I feel kind of sick for putting this and admitting but my brother masturbated in front of me when I was at least 5 and I know that the second time (or first) he did that, I remember I initiated the intercourse and after it was over, I remember feeling odd. I know that I am upset and just sad over this because then there is my dad who was just an ahole for years and I just wonder why do I have to be related to them and why did I have to go through that. I want to tell my mom but even with my dad's drinking and saying that him and my brother abused me, she would defend them like telling me that abuse is a strong word and to be careful not to use that. I just know that things I saw, heard and had done to me should NEVER BE SOMETHING THAT A CHILD GOES THROUGH. I just feel sad because I notice that I am not normal and that I seriously have low self-esteem issues and can sometimes NEVER imagine dating or getting married to someone because then I wonder about having to tell them about this family crap and even wonder if I was the abuser to my brother and need to be locked up or listed as a sex offender. I just hate feeling like this and wonder if this is karma and I deserve this.