When ever I do try to be more present then I just get mad. Like I'm super mad at life right now and I cant shake the feeling.
I know depression is a selfish disease and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always thinking about whats wrong with me and what I'm going through and why I'm so sad or why I'm so frustrated or it's always some new drama like I cant have five minutes of peace with out me replaying in my head what happened.
I'm just sick of it I'm sick of being to tired and to exhausted to be able to be anything to any one else, and I'm so sick of being to afraid to connect with any one. I have the worst wall up that I literally feel no emotion towards any one any more. I can literally honestly say that I don't care about any one genuinely like I used to, not even myself. It's like I checked out I turned all of my emotions off.
It's hard because depending on what kind of day I'm having it's like I'm two different people. And I know people at work have to notice. Like one day i'll be super happy and trying to be nice and then the next day I'll be totally quiet and not say two words all day. It makes things a bit akward I must admit.
I know this isnt normal but I have nausea, like the nausea that I had for the first couple of weeks after the hospital, I have it again like bad. Whenever I will think about anything r related I just get the over whelming feeling like I'm gonna vomit. Sometimes I have to force my self to throw up just to make it go away.
I'm tired of it I'm tired of work because I'm sick of not being able to use it as a distraction, I'm sick of people coming in there and tellin me what to do, I'm tired of myself because when any one trys to have a conversation with me at work about stuff I seriously just dont care, it's like I removed all of the feelings of connection to anything and I dont know how to get them back, and worst of all I'm tired of feeling like a stereotype. Like it's always some new drama with me. I'm always thinking about it i'm always trying not to think about it i'm always sad or crying or angry or miss him, I just feel like a victim and I'm fucking sick of that to.
Like did you see how many times I used the word I in this post??? Somethin needs to change, or no nothing needs to change. I just need to see things for what they really are. I just hope I'm not to tired to do it.