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Feeling stereotypical

Posted by sherodon , 02 December 2012 · 125 views

I'm zoning out all the time now. It's like I cant handle life. I don't even want to come back down to earth I'd rather stay with my mind in other places. It's exhausting though and it wears me out mentally.

When ever I do try to be more present then I just get mad. Like I'm super mad at life right now and I cant shake the feeling.

I know depression is a selfish disease and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always thinking about whats wrong with me and what I'm going through and why I'm so sad or why I'm so frustrated or it's always some new drama like I cant have five minutes of peace with out me replaying in my head what happened.

I'm just sick of it I'm sick of being to tired and to exhausted to be able to be anything to any one else, and I'm so sick of being to afraid to connect with any one. I have the worst wall up that I literally feel no emotion towards any one any more. I can literally honestly say that I don't care about any one genuinely like I used to, not even myself. It's like I checked out I turned all of my emotions off.

It's hard because depending on what kind of day I'm having it's like I'm two different people. And I know people at work have to notice. Like one day i'll be super happy and trying to be nice and then the next day I'll be totally quiet and not say two words all day. It makes things a bit akward I must admit.

I know this isnt normal but I have nausea, like the nausea that I had for the first couple of weeks after the hospital, I have it again like bad. Whenever I will think about anything r related I just get the over whelming feeling like I'm gonna vomit. Sometimes I have to force my self to throw up just to make it go away.

I'm tired of it I'm tired of work because I'm sick of not being able to use it as a distraction, I'm sick of people coming in there and tellin me what to do, I'm tired of myself because when any one trys to have a conversation with me at work about stuff I seriously just dont care, it's like I removed all of the feelings of connection to anything and I dont know how to get them back, and worst of all I'm tired of feeling like a stereotype. Like it's always some new drama with me. I'm always thinking about it i'm always trying not to think about it i'm always sad or crying or angry or miss him, I just feel like a victim and I'm fucking sick of that to.

Like did you see how many times I used the word I in this post??? Somethin needs to change, or no nothing needs to change. I just need to see things for what they really are. I just hope I'm not to tired to do it.



I completely understand how you feel.. I have been feeling the exact same way as you especially these past two days. I feel so numb. and when I do talk to someone about my depression, I have to omit that my depression as of late is caused by a traumatic and severely repressed memory of being drugged and raped by one of my childhood best friends. I hate holding things back.. i feel like that only makes it worse but I also feel that right now i dont have a choice.
I have barely began to address this myself just a few days ago. I went to a councler because I have come to notice I have very deep rooted trust issues and realized how much it has affected my past relationships..I just never noticed it because I have repressed this memory so hard, for 4/5 years, so I almost feel like my body is in emotional shock because my mind has finally allowed me to address the fact that I was raped. I just began to address this issue with a councler on nov.30..I have never talked it about it to anyone prior to that. It was even an emotional experience for me to click the box titled sexual trauma/rape because I have supressed and ignnored it for so long. When I finally uttered the word rape out of my mouth (which I never have before in my life) I immediately bursted into tears... i must say that since that day Ive never been worse...
I almost wish that i never started to address it... I felt better when I was supressing it, ignoring it, being in denial, confusion, and self blame. Now that I have come to terms with it -it has had a devistating effect on my mind and body. I have crying episodes everyday now. something that i never really thought about at all is consuming my mind and body completely. i dont eat much anymore and my body doesnt even want water sometimes...

I also recently just told my best friend of 8 years who was sexually abused by her brother about what happened to me and it did not go as I planned... she told me she didnt know what to say except for sorry, and she talked alittle bit about how it has affected her life but then she dropped it. I guess i cant blame her because she is still dealing with that herself ..but i really wanted her to comfort me more and hug me... i wish she wouldve called me today to see how i was but she didnt.

Because of her reaction, It makes me feel even more scared to connect with others and also to even attempt to talk about it to someone else. I feel almost as if i diving deeper and deeper into isolation and I dont want that, but my mind is controlling me...

Dont feel alone Sherodon, I have pains that are similar to yours. All we can do is hope for a better and stronger tomorrow.
<3

I completely understand how you feel.. I have been feeling the exact same way as you especially these past two days. I feel so numb. and when I do talk to someone about my depression, I have to omit that my depression as of late is caused by a traumatic and severely repressed memory of being drugged and raped by one of my childhood best friends. I hate holding things back.. i feel like that only makes it worse but I also feel that right now i dont have a choice.I have barely began to address this myself just a few days ago. I went to a councler because I have come to notice I have very deep rooted trust issues and realized how much it has affected my past relationships..I just never noticed it because I have repressed this memory so hard, for 4/5 years, so I almost feel like my body is in emotional shock because my mind has finally allowed me to address the fact that I was raped. I just began to address this issue with a councler on nov.30..I have never talked it about it to anyone prior to that. It was even an emotional experience for me to click the box titled sexual trauma/rape because I have supressed and ignnored it for so long. When I finally uttered the word rape out of my mouth (which I never have before in my life) I immediately bursted into tears... i must say that since that day Ive never been worse...I almost wish that i never started to address it... I felt better when I was supressing it, ignoring it, being in denial, confusion, and self blame. Now that I have come to terms with it -it has had a devistating effect on my mind and body. I have crying episodes everyday now. something that i never really thought about at all is consuming my mind and body completely. i dont eat much anymore and my body doesnt even want water sometimes...I also recently just told my best friend of 8 years who was sexually abused by her brother about what happened to me and it did not go as I planned... she told me she didnt know what to say except for sorry, and she talked alittle bit about how it has affected her life but then she dropped it. I guess i cant blame her because she is still dealing with that herself ..but i really wanted her to comfort me more and hug me... i wish she wouldve called me today to see how i was but she didnt.Because of her reaction, It makes me feel even more scared to connect with others and also to even attempt to talk about it to someone else. I feel almost as if i diving deeper and deeper into isolation and I dont want that, but my mind is controlling me...Dont feel alone Sherodon, I have pains that are similar to yours. All we can do is hope for a better and stronger tomorrow.&lt;3



Well one thing I must admit is that you never know until you try. I told my mom about the abuse I was going through with my ex boyfriend and she said, "how could you do this to us?" I am so thankful that I didn't just stop talking about it all together after that because I have really found some good support with others. But I still feel the same as you, I always feel guilty talking about it like I don't want to be a burden on to someone else.

I just have to remind myself that if any one else told me about their situation, and I knew that they were uncomfortable coming to me because they felt like they were a burden to me, I would feel so horrible, and there are many, not all of the people but a lot of people that feel the exact same way.

I'm so sorry that your going through all of this. I felt the same things as you after looking up the definition of rape, and having a counselor confirm that my boyfriend was raping me, I cried, I made myself throw up, I refused to get outta bed, I didn't work for three months it was horrible, but it was exactly what I needed. This is probably the last thing that you want to hear right now, but just be sad. Feel hurt let your mind and your body heal, because for all of this time you haven't been able to. Maybe these memories were repressed, up until now, for a reason. Maybe it's your minds way of saying OK, I can deal with this now.

What your going through, is horrible. It's hard and it sucks and sometimes it will really seem like there will never be any way out, but just do what your body is telling you to do. If you feel like you need rest then rest if you want to cry then cry if you dont want to be alone then tell your friend to suck it up and be there, because she has been there before so she will know what it feels like. Really be easy on yourself right now because the worst thing that I did was put to much pressure on myself, and all that did was make the panic and depression worse.

Things really will get better. One day your gonna wake up and that's not gonna be the first thing you think about in the morning, it's not gonna be what's stopping you from eating breakfast, and it's not gonna be what makes you cry every night before you go to sleep. You just have to be patient.

If you ever need anything I'm here you can pm me any time.

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