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On the note of Persephone, I am an avid meditator. Last week I was in meditating and saw myself returning from Hell. I thought, where does Persephone return but to her weeping father who is overjoyed by her return and all the flowers return. About a month ago I finally told my Father about what happened to me from age 16-18. I was raped repeatedly by my brother in law. I am now 33 years old. He was devastated. I was relieved. All those years I held it to myself because I genuinely just thought I was a terrible person for doing something so horrendous to my sister. I hadn't considered that I was actually too young to make a decision to be in any kind of relationship, much less such an abusive one. So I held it until one night I told my husband-- he said "you were raped!" I knew it all along. My youth had been stollen from me and I was hypnotically drugged and pulled into hell. I remained there for 17 years.
I had actually left Hell years ago... When I was 18 I had to abort a child from the abusive sex. I hardly had a shoulder to cry on so I just didn't. I could tell a soul because he had trained me not to open my mouth, not to scream and it would all be over in a minute. I was chained to him. He was the devil. So when I was 18 I went to NY and traveled all around New England seeing friends. I saw people my age making something with their lives. I was thrilled to start mine. So when I returned to Hell, he picked me up from the terminal. I told him I wasn't ever coming back to him. He was sad. But he didn't leave. No, instead he acquainted himself into my life by befriending the man with whom I feel in love. But I still kept the devil's secrets. He even attended my wedding. I can't even look at them...
So when I finally returned to college after years of putting it off due to depression, I was taking the hardest class of my life. It triggered me into the realization that what happened to me was rape. I hadn't seen him for many years, at least, not in person. He was often haunted my dreams. I walked around in a constant state of anxiety. I didn't want to go back to Hell!!! But my head was already there. So I did what I knew how to do to deal, I rug swept.
Then I met M. He was a charming man. When I found myself in his arms I felt the click of the chains all over again. As soon as he laid his lips on his desire, I froze. I had fought all these years, but had not realized I would crumble in the moment the fight really counts. So although I told him I didn't want this, although my heart was breaking the moment he touched me, I complied. Frozen-- I there I was all over again-- don't open my mouth, don't scream and it would all be over in a minute. When he approached me again, I crumbled. I froze as he pushed me in the corner. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. I gave in just as I had to the devil before. I even sent him messages, met with him, and ultimately gave in to sex with him. I can't even remember how I really got to his room again. But there I was in this surreal place lying there and hoping it would all be over in just a minute.
I left crying that night. I am married and love my husband and my beautiful daughter. I did it again. Maybe I was really was just a bad person.
I burned my clothes, told my husband and cried everyday since May 19, 2012. My dear husband hates me now and has left me for a brighter future in the light, fore I was bound to return to Hell. Now, I realize, I never left Hell....
Then I did. That very morning on the porch with 5 strangers practicing buddhist zen meditation at the dawn of Spring. I sat there for 80 long minutes with the chirping of the birds, the warm mist in the air, and my thoughts. The vision was overwhelming. I saw myself there in the chains as a slave to the Devil. This time, I could see his face clearly. He held me for years, even making me believe I was free. I wasn't. But the truth was that the chains weren't locked. So I slipped them off and dug my way out, removing the mud from my eyes as I lifted myself out of Hell. I turned and saw my sister also removing the mud from her eyes. When I saw the light in front of me it all made sense. I returned to my father. It's time to let go of hell and close the gate to never return.
So, like divine intervention, I looked up the statute of limitation in the state of my rape. This is none. So I called the police, started the investigation. The investigator has an excellent record of 99% success rate. He says it will be hard, but he will do everything he can to take this man to jail. Time will tell the outcome. For now, I do not take my faith so lightly anymore.
I still haven't committed to turning in M. He was certainly a lost soul, and there is doubt it was coercive rape. But, getting proof of something like that is more painful than productive. But I have the opportunity for an authoritative figure to have a talk with him to let him know that his advances were coercive and unwelcome. I am sure that his karma will come around in this life or the next.
Meanwhile, I still hold hope for my husband and I. It's silly, probably. For him, it was an affair and a deal-breaker. He may always see me the same way that I see my devil. For that I have to let go. I do hope that as I heal myself, my wounds, and live a life in the light that he too will see me pure and clear of my sins (to miss the mark). I especially mourn for my daughter who has suffered greatly from our parting. But I do celebrate that her mother finally found her voice. I wish the cost had not been so high. But by this, I hope that she will have the strength and courage to stand for the things I had not.
To life in the light!! :tearsofjoy:/>/>
Source: Wiping the Mud from My Eyes
2 Comments On This Entry
Wiping the Mud from My Eyes
on Mar 16 2013 06:08 PM
My Responsibilities as a Survivor: Working through the Grey Areas
on Feb 03 2013 12:43 PM
Making Progress? Or set back?
on Jan 30 2013 10:41 PM
Dad, I Was Raped...
on Jan 27 2013 10:19 PM
A Letter to My Perpetrator
on Jan 26 2013 09:52 AM