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enraged and humiliated

Posted by Irishleo , 30 May 2013 · 203 views

First of all, I apologize in advance for profanity in this entry. I am so fucking mad I feel like I'm going to explode. To make a long story short, my mom is doing some dealings with an attorney whose only employee is my arch enemy. This girl has always hated me with a passion, because 15 years we both dated the same guy (at different times but she hates anyone that ever dated him). She has since married the guy in question, and I haven't spoken to him in over a decade.

Anyway, when I found out this weekend that my mom would be doing business with this firm I begged her not to, because I didn't want that girl to know anything about my life and I knew my mom would talk about me. My mom refused, saying she wanted this firm only because she liked the sound of the guy's name. (stupid reason right?)

Soooo.... she gets home today and tells me she met the girl I'd told her hated me. Then my mom proceeds to tell me how the girl asked about me (which of course she did because she despises me and was hoping for information on me) Which of course, my mother gave her. My mom humiliated me beyond all measure, talking about my failed marriage, my move back to home, told her I was back in college and where, mentioned I was homeless and crashing at her house, etc. She even said I didn't know what I was doing in terms of my future when asked(which isn't true and made me look even stupider).

All the while the girl smiled and nodded while inquiring further, and talked about what close friends we are. (a lie I knew she'd say) That girl would literally kill me if she thought she could and would get away with it. Now she knows my address, schedule, personal details, etc. I'm not worried about her, but I resent the position I'm in now. I'm embarrassed and humiliated because I know how much that bitch (also known as the town gossip) is loving this and how quickly the gossip is going to spread in my small town about me.

I hate my mother so much. She must privately enjoy hurting me and making me look foolish. Even when I beg her not to talk about me, she can't pass up an opportunity to point out my shortcomings and failures to people. Worse, she talks in a way as if she's proud I'm trying not to be a loser, she literally can't make me sound worse if she tried. I fucking hate her so much, she really doesn't give a shit about me.

Hi.. shitty day, eh..
I know the kind, but won't pretend that I know exactly what you're feeling. I do know that I've always hated my family members (and others that think they know me) talking about me and still struggle with it, the main reason being that the abuse related rage inside me wants to silently roar - " Alright ! You wanna talk about me?? Let's reeeeeally talk then - let's talk about the shit inside me and what happened!! ". Do you know what I mean??
Same with the girl - what will she ever reeeally know about you? Folk generally spend time looking at others because they're to afraid to face themselves and their own inadequacies/false ways. Such is life. None of them will know you - you are quite safe - and their ignorance will swing back round on them in some way, some time. Seems to be the way it goes..
Anyhow, thanks for writing. Doing so is honest and not sneaky or snidey.. though I know it's hard to appreciate one's own strengths when all others can do is focus on what they perceive as your weaknesses or failings..
Time will tell and you will prove them wrong..
Take care..

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