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Do not get me wrong, its not that I do not wish I did not have any. I do not. I did not come from it. I came from two hard working people who showed me, that everything in life has to be worked for. I watched their struggles and understood their pain. I tried the best I could, not to be a burden. This was also why I worked so hard, thinking if I could make enough to survive, for school, maybe in return some how I could save them. I never asked my parents for much. I always felt guilty and selfish, because I knew how hard they worked and how little they could give. I heard the fights, I watched and suffered with them in their failures.
I often day dream about what it would be like not having to worry about how I am going to make it through the next month. How I will survive, how I will feed myself, and I am thankful that I never brought children into my own mess of life. I also day dream about being able to help others just live their dreams, and to be able to help them, as I know I have suffered and walked in similar shoes. I find it hard in business to ask for money or to expect payment. I struggle in asking for wages, or thinking I deserve more. I often wonder what it would be like, to be a normal kid who's family thought ahead and could provide them with a college education without them having to work, without having to worry about how to pay it back. It often angers me when they say they expect parents to pay for college, especially those who have nothing in to put away. I wish I could come up to solutions. OR that somehow I could enlighten others, or even control the nations budget so they'd stop living beyond means, and expected less.
I think of all the places I would travel. All the things I would try to do and want to do, and yet here I sit, broke, broke as always and feeling all the less deserving of anything more. Even if my intentions would be to try to help people, I can't help to think that I would be just like them if the tables where turned. I do not want to spend the next 50 years just working my life any and never having any experiences or know what its like to actually live in means of being limitless to what you can accomplish. Though often I just think I am do dumb to be able to change any of it. I trust people to easily and suing people makes so little sense to me. As I think it should simply be common sense that people took responsibilities for their actions.
I do not want a free ride, I never did. I do not just want to marry some old guy so I am financially set. I just want to feel the reward of hard work paying off. For live to offer more than just what feels like slavery in one form or the next. For people to have more kindness and generosity. For this not to be so uncommon to find compassion or empathy. For people to be able to help those who need help, whatever that means, I do not even think I know what it means. It just makes me sad, after all the books I've read, after all the movies I've seen, I know they are one in a million chances, but how can I just get that lucky? How could I end up one of those stories???