Pandora's Aquarium: dangling.... - Pandora's Aquarium

I hate being so pessimistic about things but this how my life has been...ive had one good day where I slept fantastic and but today is just absolutely awful....started at 2am with the most awful dream ive ever had, I woke up with a huge panic attack. The dream consisted of my molester strapped me into a chair and repeating everything he had done to me from age 6-15...the people that I care about doing what he would do....if he touched my genitals...they would touch my genitals.. When will this ever stop? I just cant take much more...I have dreams so bad that I cant wake myself up from them. I wish I could snap my fingers and make all this go away. I really feel so shitty today...this is the worst ive felt in a long time. I also think that everything is setting in with the two deaths Ive delt with. hopefully this is just a fluke day and I can have a better day tomorrow...

I feel like I need to care more... show the people around me that I love them...Im so worried they are just going to get tired of dealing with all my problems and they will leave...tonight pattis back was killing her...I should've been helping her more...what the hell is wrong with me? I need to show them I care...I know I've been told "you need to focus on yourself" but when I do I feel guilty for not doing enough for someone :(/>/> I've always put others ahead of myself...this is very challenging. I am so terrified they will leave, that I never ask for anything ....if I ask for something..I become needy and I do not want to be that. The only person I asked things from was trish...and she passed away...now Im stuck, take a leap...hoping they won't leave or stay the way I am. DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!