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Ugly Inside- Poem - HEAVY Trigger Warning

Posted by vakry , 24 December 2013 · 226 views

HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING. Tread ONLY if you are in a very strong place beccause the darkest pit of my soul is about to be bared. If you are not well or sensitive I kindly ask you to spare yourself...... This is going to get ugly.
 
 
Blood droplets on shimmering white.
Chill in air.
Darkness writes what happens here tonight.
Out of control. Out of sight.
Raging inside. Despair.
No answered prayers. Unfair.
 
Angel child left too soon.
Beating wings. Painful Stab in heart.
Drowning until it's an empty bottle.
Nothing is the same. Everything fell apart.
Tear drops falling.
 
Self hated. Mutilated. Phantoms.
Blame game. Guilt. Shame.
The reaction is clear. Why it's it here?
This isn't me.
Broken. Innocence never there.
She's right about me.
God, I want her. To give in.
She's the most twisted of my sins.
 
Sorry, I cannot meet your gaze.
The shame is too deep. The pain too real.
It's it wrong that I want to disappear?
To fade from sight.
Lonely night. Raping myself.
Can't deal.
Perverse display.
Comfort and calm await.
 
Buzz is familiar...
Healthy indulgence leads to twisted scars
If anyone saw... anyone knew what I meant
Dirty knees shaking. Cold that numbs.
Smokey breath.
Red nose. The chill is comforting.
They'd think I was sick as my secret.
 
It's wrong, to reveal?
That this weirdness has some appeal?
Crave the ill behavior.
It's not anything new that they didn't already do.
To me.
To hurt me. To change me. To make me obey.
To keep their secrets.
They punish me. I join in their profane game.
Even in absence of what was there.
Still controlling me.
 
What is wrong with me?
Why do I treat myself so badly?
Sting. Pleasure. Pain. There really isn't a difference.
I enjoy it and hate it.
It's hot and vile.
It's comfort and lies.
It's all this and more.
 
Make it stop! The battle in my head.
Each forward step....
Fallen. Sinking back.
Darkness riding.
Stealing me away.....
 
Save me. Bring me back...
No one can stop it.
Not their responsibility.
 
Come ON Vakry!
Get a grip. You can do this...
No I can't.
Yes you can.
No I can't.
YES YOU CAN!
 
You have the strength.
You have the power.
You are in control.
 
It's too late. I've already-.
 
Shh. Its' okay to slip.
You can do this.
No I-.
You will do this. Gabe.
It hurts.. please don't... 
I don't want him to see me like this...
 
Draw strength. Vakry.
Valhalla. Valkerie. Warrior.
Survivor. Thriver!
 
I can't. I am getting sucked in.
 
If you were sucked in you wouldn't do this.
Feel his wings. Angelic. Real. Hugging you.
He does not judge you.
 
Forgive yourself. Be kind.
 
I ca-.
 
Spiderman. Batman. Superman.
Strong and true. Really you.
 
She's my kyptonite.
She makes me weak.
She zaps my morals
She twists my mind.
 
She is your strength.
You're stronger than you think
Hold your ground.
 
How?
 
Now you're asking the right questions
Use what you been through. That's the answer you need.
Gain wisdom. You know the answer.
The picture's there.
You'll know what to do.
Please be kind to you.
 
And if I'm not?
 
I know I'm getting to you.
You know I'm right.
Please put the knife down tonight.
You cannot escape yourself.
You have to live with you.
I am you. You are me.
Now don't you see?
 
Maybe....
 
 
 



It's kind of more than one poem and one poem at the same time. I JUST wrote this. Kind of a weird conversation with myself in the end.

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Simpletruth
Dec 24 2013 01:19 PM
This was amazing...I loved it...not your pain of course, but your self expression.
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ClutteredMind
Dec 24 2013 04:37 PM

((((((((big hugs))))))))

 

<3 sweet vakry <3

Thank you. I know what you mean, Simpletruth.  There is something idk.. therapeutic in poetry. I cannot do it often. There is a lot of time spanned between all three poems and they are the only ones I have ever written. But I'll try to keep seeing I can do more because it's therapeutic qualities.

 

((((big hugs))) back at ya ClutteredMind. Thank you so much. I needed that.

Whoops I meant to add a picture earlier. There ya got it.

Amazing poem. Touching expression. Truly beautiful.

Thank you, Love2324.

That was incredibly moving to read...

Thank you. :)

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