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so much has happened...

Posted by Clemsta , 22 August 2013 · 211 views

My life so far has been pretty much a disaster.
Abused as a child... by a woman...
As a teen groomed by a teacher for 4/5years...
Constantly having old men trying it on with me, getting me into situations I'm stuck in.
In an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year...
Relationship with a gambler who cheated on me.
In and out of counselling since I was 13/14.
Thought finally I can escape to University, a fresh start! GREAT!
aaaaaaaand then
Then I'm taken advantage of one night when I'm near unconscious after a night out by some horrible horrible boy.
Still suffering from nightmares and night terrors.
Try to get counselling again can't... can't stay this way forever. Need to change.
Fobbed off, messed around, no one will help me.
A year of trying to get some support... nothing
So I'm self harming more than ever, spiralling downwards...
and then I take a shit load of my anti-depressants, just want the pain and my head to shut up for just one evening.
The shame. My now BF has to call and ambulance while he's at work. My best mate makes me throw up.
Authorities step in, put on mood stabilizers, then left to sink or swim alone.
Finnally get appointment after being told I'll get the help... just to be told, oh you need to wait another 18 months for the help... do you still want an assessment?
Finally got some private help on the way... but scared... going to have to open up... re-live loads of scary shit...
Got to stay positive... trying to keep my head up. Trying to be brave but I'm scared.
What if I never change? If my past will always haunt me?
Shouldn't I just "get over it?"
if only it were that easy. I wish I could magic it all away...
I'd give up everything just to be okay and perfect.
Tattoo'd my skin, pierced my face, dyed my hair, put on weight, cut my skin to shreds just to look nothing like the girl who use to get old men perving or creeping on.
But I still despise the so called woman looking back at me in the mirror.
And now, to get up, try and pretend I'm okay and drag myself through the day.

Aug 22 2013 12:11 PM
I'm so sorry, I know how you feel about getting help, no one wants to admit that they were a victim, and just thinking of it can bring you to your knees. So speaking the words just sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. And when you do try to open up everyone just tells you it's your problem, or they get jealous, or they just use it to their advantage. It makes you feel like you don't deserve help, BUT YOU DO!! Just know that there are people in the world who do care about you and want to help you -for you. You are a beautiful soul no matter what you or anyone else does to your body and no one can take that from you -even you! :D :butterfly: xx
its horrible, people act so odd about it, which makes me want to tell no one. they ask such weird questions, like "why did you let it happen?" "why didnt you do something" as if you were in control?
these days things are such a struggle... this year has been horrfic. Im glad Im seeing someone to talk to now (seeing them for second time today) but doesnt make you feel anyless alone. Thanks for the comment :) nice to know there are people who understand. Though obviously not great they had to go same through shit but its oddly easier to keep going knwoing there are people who understand xxxx

July 2016

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