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So, I'm really struggling right now with how I "should" feel. I use that term very loosly, I know there's no particular way I should feel other than my own way. But still, I feel like I'm leaving parts of me behind. Like I'm leaving myself in the dust.
I feel very good about the fact that I have been able to actively work through memories and issues as they've come up. All the while, struggling against "the system" that refuses to help people who really need it. All things considered, I think I've been doing pretty good.
But it's times like these when I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I can work through things for a month or so, then all of a sudden it's all gone. Every time, I just wake up one morning feeling nothing. No pain, no sadness or depression, just nothingness. And then the anger. It's like I subconsciously suppress everything except radom acts of fury. During these times I get so angry over nothing, literally sometimes.
The last time I was stuck in this numb phase it took me about a month and a half to snap out of it. It's been three weeks between then and now. I want to feel happiness, I want to have the energy to function, I want to feel the pain so I can overcome it. I want to feel ALIVE.
So, it's been a week now, and I feel like I'm becoming stuck. I don't want this to be a pattern I have to expect. I deserve to be in control of my life for once. I deserve to heal. Why won't my own brain let me??
If anyone reads this, I don't think I'm expecting much. I'm not asking you for advice, because I don't expect you to understand. I just want to FEEL again. Is that too much to ask?
I feel very good about the fact that I have been able to actively work through memories and issues as they've come up. All the while, struggling against "the system" that refuses to help people who really need it. All things considered, I think I've been doing pretty good.
But it's times like these when I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I can work through things for a month or so, then all of a sudden it's all gone. Every time, I just wake up one morning feeling nothing. No pain, no sadness or depression, just nothingness. And then the anger. It's like I subconsciously suppress everything except radom acts of fury. During these times I get so angry over nothing, literally sometimes.
The last time I was stuck in this numb phase it took me about a month and a half to snap out of it. It's been three weeks between then and now. I want to feel happiness, I want to have the energy to function, I want to feel the pain so I can overcome it. I want to feel ALIVE.
So, it's been a week now, and I feel like I'm becoming stuck. I don't want this to be a pattern I have to expect. I deserve to be in control of my life for once. I deserve to heal. Why won't my own brain let me??
If anyone reads this, I don't think I'm expecting much. I'm not asking you for advice, because I don't expect you to understand. I just want to FEEL again. Is that too much to ask?
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Is it ok to be this numb?
on Oct 29 2011 04:14 AM
I just wanted to say i understand, i cant really give any advice because the same thing happens to me...its like i spend weeks feeling nothing and i go and see my T and she says what do u want to talk about and there is nothing because im feeling nothing at all...
i dont feel sad, angry, hurt, just NOTHING. And most of the time when i feel like this i feel frustrated because i want to feel something.
But then when im back on the rollar coaster of emotions again i wish i could be back feeling numb...
its frustrating, i think we just need to ride the waves of feelings. If that makes sense.
take care of yourself and just keep doing ur best. I think thats all we can do