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Obsessed With the Man Who Raped Me.

Posted by QuietSpirit , 29 March 2013 · 82 views

I feel a bit crazy at times when I find myself not only watching Law and Order SVU just to cry with the victims stories told. But I look up the man who raped me.. We were neighbors.. lived in the same neighborhood for all of my teenage years and young adult life. I moved out of the city and to another state all together about a month after it happened... But he is still there.. and when I go home to visit my family.. I find myself staring at his window and at his apt building. Looking over my shoulder, scared that I will see him but also wanting to see him. I want to look him in his face. I want him to look into my eyes.

One time on a visit back home. I did see him. And he saw me.. He stared at me... It was from a distance. But he was the guy I would hang with and talk to and laugh with around the block.. There where plenty of summer days/nights I spent hanging out with him on the block, cracking jokes, having a beer on the stoop... He always asked me to hook him up with a friend of mine or meet with him and his friends at the lounge or bowling or skating.

So he saw me and didn't say a word because I know in his heart and in his soul he knows he raped me. He brought me a drink.. NYC, you know things are different. A lady used to make drinks and sell the from her ground floor apartment window. He always used to tell me about them and tell me I should try them. That night we were supposed to be going out and hanging out with friends. But he bought a drink for me first and said we'd meet at his house. I met him dressed and ready to go. He handed me a drink, he had one too and that is all I remembered. I remember trying to sit up and open my eyes and I see glimpses of him with his face between my thighs. I remember feeling his hands all over me. I would wake for a moment, couldn't move, had no strength and would black out. I finally woke at it was 7:30am. We didn't go out. I didn't make it out. I asked him for a shirt, I told him, don't tell anyone about this and I left. I never spoke to him again. I was throwing up all day and had the headache of my life.

I didn't even realize what really happened until months later... He raped me and he had to have drugged me. I was scared, angry and confused. I trusted him. I liked him as a person. And now I am obsessed. I fond myself on facebook and instagram searching for him. We have mutual friends and I actually saw him on instagram. He has a baby now. A little girl. The same age as my son.. This was 2003 when he raped me and it's been 10 years now and I am OBSESSED... :( I want to post on his picture his true nature.. RAPIST.. I want him to acknowledge me and what he has done. But it's too late.

I found out he told some of the guys around the block that he slept with me. :( He raped me. I never consented to sex with him. I never would have. He was a sweet guy but had a nasty reputation as the guy with the monster (HIV/AIDS) I was terrified, paranoid, disgusted with myself for a long time until I decided to really think about what happened and I realized I didn't ask for this. I didn't desire him or want him in that way ever. I thought he was my friend.

And now I cant let it go. I am tired of hiding behind Anonymous, My name is CHRISTINA. I'm tired of people thinking I was fast, slutty or a hoe. I wasn't. I'm tired of protecting him. And I know its too late to do anything about it. I'm sad. I'm hurt and I'm still angry. I have anxiety attacks. I don't trust men. I'm married now and my husband suffers the consequences of me not dealing with my issues.

AM I ALONE? AM I CRAZY? IS THIS OBSESSION NORMAL? Please tell me someone else has felt the way I feel. Unfortunate but its the reality, their are more of us. This has happened to many of us. I'm just tired of being QUIET... MY SPIRIT YEARNS TO SCREAM OUT LOUD... I want him to feel the embarrassment, the shame and guilt I felt.. Its just the honest truth.

PLEASE HELP...

Christina

#dontwannastayquietanymore



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loimprevisto
Mar 29 2013 11:56 AM
Christina, it wasn't your fault! I'm the last person who should be talking about what is 'normal', but what you're describing doesn't sound unusual at all. What you are feeling is real, honest pain. Just because it's not as visible, doesn't make it any less real than a broken arm. You want to heal! You want recognition! You want justice! I don't think that's crazy at all :)

I'm not a therapist or anything, so take this with a grain of salt... but my impression from reading your story is that you have a hard time really believing at a deep level that you were wronged. The anger and obsession are a way of coming to terms with that. It doesn't sound crazy at all to want some sort of closure to this, to desperately want him to admit what he did so you can validate your memories and feelings.

Hang in there, we hear you. I don't know how you feel about digital hugs, but I'm offering safe hugs if they're OK.

Best wishes,
~Daniyel
I think this sounds normal. Thinking of you.
I wanted to say a bit more. I see betrayal and, as Daniyel says, wanting him to admit something and validate you.

I've experienced that and it is a relief. It was a bizarre relief specifically to hear someone say something like 'I knew it was wrong, I knew it was going to hurt you, and yet I still put my own needs first'.

With two people who betrayed me (non SA related) I found my mind falling again and again into the things I wanted to say. Once I had had the chance to say them they lost their power. I was glad I had the chance for that.

I don't think it is 'too late', depending on what you want to achieve. It would be possible to make a statement to the police? To write a letter to that horrible man, whether or not you send it? To meet him and say those things with support (if that really mattered to you). It might not be possible to have him convicted for rape, but that on its own might still be only part of your journey...

I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry this has made things so hard for you and your husband.
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QuietSpirit
Mar 29 2013 03:46 PM
Thank you Daniyel and Susanna, I accept the hugs and support.. Thank you sooo much.. This really helps make sense of things.. . And maybe that is exactly what it is coming to terms with what actually happened... Still feeling shocked and him validating me, and my feelings.. He could deny at do more damage than good.. but that would be a BOLD FACED LIE... ANd I KNOW THAT... so I dont know if its even worth taking the risk... Though part of me doesnt care about the risk I want him to know THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH.. I WAS THERE and HE HAD NO RIGHT OR PERMISSION. And I want him to look me in my eyes.. Im hurt.. Still..And I know in his heart HE KNOWS the TRUTH TOO..

Thanks for the support Guys.
I am so glad you posted this. I feel obsessed with the guy that assaulted me and his sister. Just like you I want him to admit what he did, that he was wrong, that I did not agree to sex. As of now my issue is a he said she said case and in some ways i feel like i am the lair. I have blocked him from facebook so he cant see anything about my daughter but i find myself unblocking him just so i can look at his page. And i ask my friends if they know the guy...I think about him just about 24 hours a day. I cant stand it!!!! But i wanted to let you know you are not alone

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