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hmmmmm a conversation with myself.

Posted by survadvo , 28 August 2012 · 75 views

dont really feel like blogging but guess that i should as im feeling a bit strange today

not sure whats bothering me

so hoping i can work it out by explaining to myself how im feeling

.... today i feel a bit low

- i feel sad that yesterday a friend betrayed my trust and got violent towards me and scared me when he lost his temper with me, i have decided i dont want him to be apart of my life, i still care about him so that makes me feel sad, but i know i am doing the right thing, i think ....
what if im wrong ? what if im being hypersensitive what if im doing things to push people away?
what he did was wrong, he should not have scared me in that way, he cannot be trusted to not do it again, he has no excuse for his actions, this isnt the first time he has acted this way. i am making a stand for myself, i do not deserve the way he treats me, i have forgiven him so many times before for this type of behaviour i got him arrested before ! this is enough, i have forgiven so many times before and i now need to realise i will never truely be safe untill i start to look after myself !

i miss the guy i was so scared about gettinginto a relationship with, i had that leap of faith even though i was scared and it didnt work, he promised he wouldnt ever leave me and he hasnt spoken to me in a week since i put myself in hospital, i feel responsible like it were my fault. if i hadnt gone into hospital he wouldnt have left.
why am i feeling responsible for his actions ? do i really have that much power? is he the man for me ? will he appear in the future ? do i really want that to happen
the fact that i was so worried about taking this leap of faith with him shows me i wasnt ready for a relationship, it shouldnt be an effort it should be something enjoyable and worry free. i needed help so put myself in hospital, if he cared that much he would have concern not walk away. he isnt the man for me, i need support to stay healthy apart of my problem in the past is not having a strong support network and having a support network made up of bad people. he told me he doesnt want to support me so no he isnt the right person for me. i dont know if it is hospital which has made him walk away, i havent text and he hasnt bothered with me, that isnt the type of person i want a relationship with i want to feel special and loved. he may appear in the future but i dont want him. he makes me feel good about myself but thats becuase he hasnt ever been physically violent towards me and all the other men i have been in a relationship with have at times. he makes me feel that there is still something about me which is lovable. well he is right, there is something about me which is still lovable and great and when I AM READY i will go and get myself into a new relationship, as that is what i deserve and its going to be great !

im feeling fustrated that im not getting up early and getting dressed and washed and getting out the house, im getting bored and comfort eating and yet i dont feel well enough to go out and do things. things arnt going to get better im not helping myself
how am i going to get out of this rut? what if i dont ever get better?
i need to get out the house, i am joining the gym which will be the perfect excuse to getout the house and not sit in comfort eating, i will get better, i can do it, i have had alot fo events in the past couple weeks and had a fair few knocks that i have had to dealt with. i am dealing with them, i have noticed that when something changes which is unexpected i have a big knock, it throws me and now i need to start dealing with it better, sooo if something unexpected happens i am going too ..... take a second to address what has happened .... understand what the change is.... understand what the change means.... create a new plan of action.... its not a negative ! its a different take on things !

what happened ? tried to print off a p50 form but realised that i cant claim my tax rebate back that way as i am now on a taxable benefit
what does this mean ? - my tax rebate may take more time to come through and i have to do it a different way
what does the change mean ? my money will not come through the tax office but i will still get it
new plan! - got to ring the job centre for advice :)

im getting there, just a bit of positivity and planning as well as a bit of faith in myself,

I love the way you have worked through the different issues and especially the idea that different isn't necessarily bad or wrong - just different.

When I read the start and you were saying you didn't even know what to write but were going for it anyway - I saw myself sat at the laptop wishing for words!!
thanks for the comment, and for reading my blog, i hope you are okay xx

March 2015

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