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Posted by anelisa , in Anxiety 10 February 2014 · 310 views

When I lived with my dad, he would drink...a lot.
That's when he became most belligerent.
And because of that, the smell of alcohol makes me gag.
Living with my mom's side of the family-none of them drink. Not a drop. So I have a lot of discouragement towards alcohol.
I've never been a partier. And until a couple weeks ago, I had never tried alcohol. 
I was at my boyfriend's brother's house and my boyfriend was 'monitoring' me to make sure I didn't drink too much.
Immediately after finishing my first drink, I felt warm. After my third drink, the usual chaos going on in my head, everything that causes me to freak out, was gone. It was just me and my immediate thoughts. I was free of my affliction. 
After my fifth drink, I started to feel a little wobbly, like I'd taken a few more Xanax than I should have (I didn't take my medication at all that night, I'm just comparing the feeling).
My boyfriend told me that I was drunk. But I don't know what constitutes me as drunk. He had me do tests that the cops do to suspected drunk drivers. I did them all fine.
My boyfriend made me leave with him-he hadn't been drinking.
He put me to bed. He cuddled next to me and watched the Princess Bride with me.
Ever since that night, Alcohol is all I can think about. (Haven't drank since)
I told my boyfriend and he's worried that I'm going to have a problem.
He's made me promise not to drink without him there to watch me.
I'd like to say that it won't turn into a problem, but I don't know.
The alcohol made all the screaming in my head stop.
For the first time in a long time I felt normal. 
And I loved it.

When I lived with my dad, he would drink...a lot.


Information about ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) or Alanon might be helpful - speaking with others involved in those self help organizations can be helpful.

First off, you are not your dad when it comes to drinking. Speaking from personal struggle that I still battle today, I always hesitate and self doubt when it comes to drinking---even a sip. Hope I do not offend you and please forgive me if I am because I could have misread your post, but I do not think that your loved ones should be telling you to not drink anymore---especially since it was your first and only time drinking. Once again, your dad was drinking and not you. Sounds like you were just drinking out of curiosity which is common; however, drinking to escape problems and to not deal is when it becomes an issue. Is there someone you can confide in, possibly a third party person? I do not mean to be so harsh but I just hate when I see that people look down upon child of alcoholics like they are doomed right away. I am still learning myself with my T not to always assume that I will end up as an addict like my dad and some of his relatives too. The thinking of alcohol sounds like it could be the possilbe worrying since your dad drank. Take good care and know that the cycle can be broken when it comes to addiction and all.

My family doesn't know I've tried alcohol.

They've just had a strict anti-alcohol policy since forever. 

I do feel I need a reliable third party.

I have one friend. One.

When I told her about it, she was excited at the possibility of me going out with her.

I don't like to socialize most times. I hate being around people. It aggravates the constant buzzing in my head and makes it worse.

My T and a doctor have been consulting and they're trying to figure out how to fix the problem. I'm even scheduled for a brain scan at the end of this month.

My concern is that I will begin using alcohol as an outlet to make the buzzing stop since it's such an easy solution.

I think that is good you have a friend who can listen. Friends of mine get excited too when I try a drink or a sip since they typically go out weekly and I still do not see how they so that! That is good that your T and doctor know of the buzzing. Do they encourage you to go out here and there to socialize? Do not feel bad too of not liking to go out. I prefer to be home then go out. The worrying of drinking to surpress the buzzing and pain is something that many child of alcoholics do. It does not necessary sound like you are going to jump right in and drink. Sometimes worrying can be a good thing because it is just taking caution, making sure the cycle is not repeated. All that matters is making sure that you know what you are capable of doing and not such as with the drinking. There are Alon meetings for child of addicts and even websites that provide information. I will admit that I never attended an Alon meeting and I might one day for me but maybe talking about the time you drank with your T can help. My T and I talk of dad on and off and she actually said that she was going to suggest going out to the bars/clubs but to see that I am not my dad when it comes to drinking. Also and to be honest, my T has been telling me these past few weeks to stop worrying and thinking that the worse is always going to happen. I will admit that the worrying comes from the way my dad got drunk. Journaling helps a lot too, especially listing the worries. I wish the worries did not happen so constant for you but it seems like you are just making sure of what you do. Hope this helps. It is scary and frustrating since I still get the "will I become an alcoholic sometime in life" and I finally confided in my T about this and she actually was real blunt and honest when she said that is unlikely to happen. I know a few pandy users expressed in the past that they had a party phase and drank. A cousin, whose mom was an addict and her dad was schzio, partied for years; she admitted of drinking to try and prove that she was not going to be like her mom but as time went on, she just went to the bars to hang out with friends. Try seeing if your T can guide through the process and how to reassure yourself if you want to drink again. I just do not want to automatically assume that you will end up drinking for the wrong reasons. It is not a nice feeling to carry around with you.

July 2016

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