Fathers Day from Hell *TW* CSA, SH, SU
Now, my DH is funny about Fathers Day. It's really important to him. It is not something that I have ever celebrated in my family. As with mothers day, I think it is a capitalist gimmick. If you appreciate someone, you should show them love and kindness and consideration when you feel it, not just on one day a year. But my DH really does have a thing about Fathers Day....So I normally ensure the kids have got him something. But they are now 16 and 17, I have not been in a place to be aware that FD was coming up. I had done nothing.
The sermon triggered me. Various men from the congregation got up to talk about what it meant to them to be a father, a grandfather...I had to leave and I had a quiet 2 minute sob in the toilet. I returned, but the feeling stayed. I thought was :"My T will be pleased, the grief is still there, I haven't shut it off". And I carried the feeling for a while before it left. This makes a change from my 30 second grief followed by instant calm control.
I got home, and straight away I could see how angry my DH was. My son had got a card, my DD was in charge of the present. My DD did not get a present. My DH was hurt and upset and furious. Over dinner, my DH and DD had a massive row. It was my fault, I brought up that DH was hurt and disappointed. I 'lobbed the grenade'. DD left, DH was angry. I felt guilty.
DD then came down stairs. She started attacking me. She told me that the reason she never spends time with us is because we judge her all the time. We 'disapprove of her'. We 'attack' her. I tried to stay calm. I said that maybe she should realise that every time she felt we 'disapproved' of her, that actually, we were worrying about her. That what she felt was judgement was us reaching out to her because of her behaviour and our love and concern for her. I said I was worried about her perspective that we 'attacked' her all the time. I wanted to help her see a different, kinder perspective. That we tease her - yes - but with love, not rancour. (At this point my DH was not in the room. My DD had shouted at him, said she didn't want to see him, didn't want him in the room....)
Then it got worse. She had said she would see a counsellor. We have had issues with her eating, her SH-ing, her threatening SU. Today she declared there was no way she would go. She would NOT go. She didn't have any issues. It was then I broke.( I had gently told her the other day I was sexually abused as a child and I was worried how I might have effected her. She agreed that I probably had.) I said that she needed to see a counsellor because I could not cope with my guilt if she didn't. Before I knew it, for the first time in relation to my CSA, outside of therapy, outside of reading the words off a page that I had written on a letter, I heard myself saying the words: "I was raped repeatedly from a very young age". And then I broke. I shattered. My control fled. And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I could hear myself saying "Why did I let him do it, why did I let him do it". Before I knew it, my DH was holding me, telling me I was safe (Like my T had told me to ask him to do) and my DD was hugging me too. And I cried and cried. 10 minutes. Then, suddenly, my control was back. Instantly. I do find that weird.......But my grief is definitely starting to come out. And it hurts and is painful, but I also recognise that it is necessary. So My children within me can express their grief and sadness and sorry and loss and hurt.
DH is still, sadly pissed off. He admits he is a sulker and is being a bit childish, but he can't help it. I have apologised to him and said I will try better next year. He says its up to the kids, not me. They are now young adults. But I can't help but feel I have been selfish this year. I guess because it is easier to blame myself.
I am worried. My T is going on holiday. I hope I can cope. I HATE it when I can't see her. It is so hard. But maybe I will surprise myself. Maybe, now I have DD and DH knowing, it will be easier. We shall see......