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New Knees Please

Posted by bellachai , 09 October 2012 · 34 views

My daughter and I went out to my mother's place sunday and helped her pick apples from her two trees. One tree has golden delicious and the other is red delicious. I did alright, more than my mother but it was my daughter who did most of it. My daughter told me she was proud of me cuz I pushed my self in this activity. I like harvesting. I enjoyed it. Ah but the consequences is experiencing severe pain in my knees yesterday and today.

It seems that everytime I go out to do stuff that it exhausts me and takes a day or two to recover. I hope it is not going to be like this forever.

I use to look forward to sleeping cuz it means no pain. Apparently the nose hose is helping me reach REM sleep for longer periods of time. Now I dread it cuz I am having nightly nightmares. Last night it was eating blood soaked snow. I actually could taste it. In the dream I spit it out and gagged then walked up a hill feeling disgust. Many of my safe places have been invaded. It is causing me so much anxiety that I have picked off calluses on my feet to the point of making them bleed.
I am just disgusting and weak for doing this.

I know that feelings are often not based on fact. I had therapy yesterday and came out of it feeling as if my T is getting rid of me. Cutting me loose and in the past I thought that it was due to the changes in medicaid. Now I am not sure.

She did not want me to make another appointment with her and is glad that the psychatric pratitioner nurse is seeing me and prescribing my antidepressant and my anti anxiety meds. I see her at the end of the month.

My I guess my ex T is also glad that I will continue to pursue DBT classes when the next section starts as well a pursuing peer counceling again. My T teaches DBT too and I asked her if I could join her classes. No she thinks that S is a better teacher and it is more advanced.

My T also told me after all I have been seeing her for three and half years. I feel now like I have over stayed my welcome. I am not healed yet and on top of that my depression and anxiety have risen due to the life threatening embolisms I had in my lungs. I feel like I have been kicked while down.

Yesterday afternoon my healthcare person was scheduled to come but when I got home my daughter asked me to cancel her cuz there is not anything for her to do. Since I was upset about what must be my last therapy session with my T I did cancel it.

There is plenty for my home health person to due. My daughter stated that all she could do on Monday is the kitchen. My daughter told me that all the laundry is done. That was a lie. I think my daughter does not want the home health care person to see what pigs my daughter and her boyfriend can be. I am afraid they are going back to the way they were when they lived with me before. They aren't there yet.

My daughter's boyfriend got his first paycheck from Subway. So he is working still. It is a good thing.

Today I am just angry and hurt. I do not know if these feelings are based on fact or not yet I feel them. I think in my head that no one gives a crap to what I want or need. Then I think wow am it selfish or what. I would not want to turn into my mother.

I am just confused.

Blessings to all



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missophelia
Oct 09 2012 01:48 PM
((((bellachai))))

I'm kind of short on words, but I wanted you to know I read this. I am really really sorry that your T did that to you. Were you able to tell her how horrible a thing it was for her to do that to you so abruptly? It sounds like it's just out of the blue, especially if there was no discussion of it prior to your last session with her.

I've been in therapy for 4 years. Granted, I changed therapists due to Dr H retiring, and I remember then I got two weeks notice, and it still felt just horrible and filled me with anxiety. I wish you could convey your feelings to her, and let her know that healing doesn't come with a time limit.

Just know I am thinking of you, and am here for you, as everyone else is. I hope you lean on me, and everyone here, we are your family, you know. And just remember, you are not selfish, and you could never overstay your welcome here, and we all give more than a crap about what you want and need.

Lots of blessings and warm comforting hugs to you my friend. :hug: :hug: :hug:
just a few words to say I read what you wrote...

I wake up too in the night feeling like I can't breathe - flashbacks to being buried and suffocating. It can take a few moments to realize I am breathing air.

I have no words of wisdom, or any others. Just saying I was here...
Thank you (((missophelia))) and (((afriend2))).

Blessings
brain's not awake and words not working yet, but read this twice now....i'm so sorry about your t bella.

it could be worth trying to talk through with her - but to be honest it sounds like you may be better off with someone more compassionate and understanding. dunno. she did kick you while you're down. :angry: but that doesn't make it any easier ending with a t you've been seeing that long.

last thing you need right now, so sorry.

(((many gentle hugs and love)))

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